meitachi | 2020 year in review (Reply)

Well, I said last year I'd get a new template for the end of year review, so I have, even if this is slightly belated! Whoops. Grabbed the new questions from a different year-end review I've seen going around that seemed a little more holistic on its reflection and asks less stupid shit like "name a song lyric that represents the year".

YOUR 2020

What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before?

Go to Costa Rica, work from home for 9 months while living through a global pandemic, figure out how to convert work to online programs. Oh, BUY A HOUSE. Yeah, that one's probably the big one.

If you had to describe 2020 in three words, what would they be?

Interminable, strange, exhausting.

What new things did you discover about yourself?

I can't work from home permanently, I like my coworkers and the little daily social interactions. I miss sharing space with people and those small connections. I also discovered that I hate takeout sushi and it is nothing but disappointment.

What single achievement are you most proud of?

Uhh...buying and furnishing the house should be the big thing, right? Or this could be a work achievement? Honestly I feel like the truth is I am most proud of not having 100% lost my mind during stay-at-home, but sticking to being safe, while trying to stay connected with friends and humanity. But I don't know if that counts as a single achievement or just, like, an ongoing process (that continues, frankly).

Oh wait! Upon further reflection: getting over the uncertainty and nervousness and volunteering as a poll worker on Election Day. It was actually a great experience and I hope to do it again next year.

What was the best news you received?

Our first offer on the house was accepted! Oh, also that former Deadspin was coming back as Defector, where they will absolutely not stick to sports.

What was your favourite place that you visited in 2020?

Went to Costa Rica at the end of February and I don't think we traveled otherwise; well, went to a Texas ranch in October but that was more a miserable experience with the weather than anticipated. Costa Rica was gorgeous. I'd love to go back sometime and explore more.

Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

My homebody inclinations and ability to have decent online connections? Helped me stay home and read a lot and stay connected with people via internet in a way that was novel and frustrating for a lot of my coworkers and I guess most of society, given how everyone is back out at bars and restaurants and parks and shit like the pandemic is already over. I'm accustomed to not seeing a lot of my closest friends and family because they live far away, so continuing to not see them was not as an abrupt life adjustment as it was for others.

Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?

My cat. Jokes, jokes. Kevin, by dint of being married to me and living in the same house, got all my meltdowns and vents and rants and work burnout and resentment about the world. From afar, always Michelle, Sonia, Sarah. For work-adjacent things: Chris.

Which new skills did you learn?

A lot of work-related skills: putting programs online, wrangling a high school summer camp online! Honestly, having just completed my end-of-year employee self-assessment, also learning better language to reflect on my work accomplishments, motivations, and challenges.

In non-work-life, I guess coping with burnout? Allowing myself the grace to just have a bad day or two. A lot of times, the next day is better; even though the ongoing challenges and struggles don't disappear overnight, I do have a better emotional capacity to deal with them.

What, or who, are you most thankful for?

Kevin. The internet for fandom and fandom folks. Chris, Rebecca, Janine at and outside of work. Sonia and Michelle always at the other end of a text. My cat, who is the cutest.

If someone wrote a book about your life in 2020, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else?

Nah, it would have to be a memoir full of funny/weird essays highlighting specific moments. Too much was a blur, but I can pull out themes like books, or house-buying, or COVID worries, work stress, politics hate, hockey in the summer, and so on.

What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2020?

Do the right thing even if it seems pointless and everyone else around you is fucking traveling like there's no pandemic! Still only getting takeout and staying at home and all that jazz. I feel like I'm living in an alternate reality sometimes when I see acquaintances on Instagram literally having unmasked Christmas house parties. What the fuck.

Also: don't waste time remembering to hold grudges. Like, if I'm mad, fine. But if I'm not, don't remember I'm supposed to be and try to get there. What an exhausting waste of time to make myself feel miserable. (Thanks, Miss Manners.)

Which mental block(s) did you overcome?

Acknowledging that I'm not doing as well with pandemic shit as I feel like I should be, given that I am doing better than most. But there are still days and times where I'm extremely sad/angry/resentful, where I miss happy hours and work chatter, going to restaurants and movies, travel, in-person programs at our building, etc. And it is okay for me to admit that I am burned out.

What five people did you most enjoy spending time with?

Five?! I did not see five fucking people long enough to hang out. Well, Kevin (and Taro Bun). Janine. Chris and Kaitlyn for our weekly 10-minute meetups when we split our CSA shares. Rebecca once briefly before she left for France. There's five.

What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?

That I can't wfh on a permanent basis and that I really feel much more motivated and fulfilled when I work with students, because ~shaping the future or whatever. But honestly, Young Leaders Institute and interns. I'm going to tackle more of that next year in hopes of finding meaning in work again.

How did your relationship to your family evolve?

In a way, it got better. I had an excuse not to visit, so it didn't feel like I owed them as much -- which then actually made me actually miss seeing them. We stayed connected via WeChat. Since the world has forced us to slow down, I'm a little more in touch with my little brother about what he's doing, what his goals are. I had a good exchange with my mom about BLM in the summer and helped her better understand systemic racism and how (new) immigrants fit into the picture. The anti-Asian racism also helped her understand how just keeping our heads down and hoping for the best doesn't really work long-term in pursuit of equity. I sent nice birthday and Christmas gifts. I am grateful they're taking the virus seriously and that's never something we had to have a fight about.

I still haven't officially told my mom I don't plan on having kids, but I think she suspects given the couple times now she's floated the "just think seriously about kids and decide whether you want them or not!" while also stressing how my grandma keeps asking when the kids are happening.

What book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

How to Do Nothing by Jenny Odell really made me think about identity, self, and what we owe the world/other people. A lot of what she described aligned with realizations I'd already come to about myself and aligned with how I saw the world, but there were a lot more things that made me think about how else I would like to act or perceive the world. I initially borrowed it from the library but plan on picking up two copies: one to keep and one to send to Michelle.

What was your favourite compliment that you received this year?

Probably one of the nice comments from the students after wrapping up three online sessions of YLI this summer.

And something lovely from Liz N. as we were struggling with DEAI issues with work, which was essentially an acknowledgment that my trying on these issues, and raising them at work, was not unnoticed.

What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?

Harassing my cat! Reading a variety of books, including cnovels, webtoons, and more nonfiction! Cooking on our new gas stove! Pulling together existing and new décor in our home. Watching shows together with Kevin (FMA:B, A Murderous Affair in Horizon Tower, Demon Slayer, various movies). My daily crossword and spelling bee puzzles.

What cool things did you create this year?

Uh. Food?

What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?

Exhausted. Of politics, of the pandemic, of work. I did a lot of escapism via books and more TV/movies than I have done in the past.

Did anyone close to you give birth? Did anyone close to you die?

Well, no one close gave birth but a couple friends here in Houston had their daughter via surrogacy and we'll be doing a drive-through baby shower later this month.

Kevin's grandmother died halfway through December, about a month before she turned 90. We saw her around Christmas in 2018, and I'm glad I got the chance to meet her a couple times.

A coworker had her mom pass earlier this year, and another coworker lost her dad. Neither related to COVID-19, but what a fucking year.

What was your favourite moment spent with your friends?

Man, tough one. So few chances to be with people this year. Perhaps the farewell picnic on the lawn of our building before Rebecca left for France? There was also Nina's goodbye party and the holiday dinner, but the outdoor picnic was the nicest with the group of coworkers I most consider friends. The Costa Rica wedding was a little too busy/stressful for various reasons, and the Botanic Garden outing could've used more food!

What major goal did you lay the foundations for?

Working more with interns/teens at work. Apparently taking on more of a leadership role with regard to diversity and equity values and implementation too.

Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?

That my supervisor secretly hated me? No, I don't think I ever really believed that but. I don't know, I feel like my biggest worries related to the pandemic, and all of those were fucking warranted. Oh, also politics, and those were also warranted. Thank God Biden won, but what a nightmare afterward we continue to live in.

What experience would you love to do all over again?

From this year? Not much. Maybe rediscovering a book or show for the first time.

What was the best gift you received?

TINY PIES. Fancy jams. A book of poetry that the giver loved. Cards/notes that reminded me people were thinking of me.

How did your overall outlook on life evolve?

It didn't change significantly, as I still believe we have this one life and it means more to me to make an impact on those around me than to leave any well-known legacy. But I guess it's evolved more as I think about what we owe to our communities (both the local one and the more broader one), and how to make community an action. Odell's book helped with this, but also thinking about being more actively engaged in things like serving at the polls, doing more volunteer work where it's needed, along with donating.

What was the biggest problem you solved?

Really trying to take a moment to think about this instead of being dismissive, because a lot of my bigger problems are ongoing systemic ones (like capitalism and the way our organization is structured! the public health crisis! institutional racism! my mental health!) but I guess figuring out how to bring YLI online and still make it effective/meaningful for the students? Oh, I helped out with some Night Market issues -- notecards and the website. Go me.

What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?

Apparently the thing that always makes me laugh the hardest is k-variety, whether it's Abnormal Summit or Suju on Weekly Idol. Kevin always notices me dying laughing, often in secondhand embarrassment, at these shows. I love these stupid mofos and everything just works for me to just enjoy the dumb arguments and setup and humor.

What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?

The...house...? It's a lot of work though. Oh, my subscription to Defector back in August or so. It's made me really happy just this last quarter of the year.

What one thing would you do differently and why?

Hmm. I didn't love how Costa Rica or Blisswood turned out, but I'm not sure I could've done anything to change that. No major regrets because I think I did the best I could in most circumstances. Maybe make a more concerted effort to connect with and get to know Tim's girlfriend? They're planning their future together so I'd like to get to know her better.

What do you deserve a pat on the back for?

Legit, I would like some validation about having been safe about the pandemic and not just giving in and going out to all the fucking restaurants or traveling! I hate takeout sushi.

What activities made you lose track of time?

Reading, cnovels in particular, which are so silly and iddy. I can usually keep an eye on time when reading other things, because adulthood means you gotta keep track of time and get chores done.

What did you think about more than anything else?

Politics, politics, politics, and how the pandemic and racism all tied into that. I've backed off slightly near the end of the year, with less Twitter and news articles and social media in general. Being informed is important, but acting is also important, rather than just reading and dwelling in it all. So if I can withdraw a bit from an onslaught of unactionable information and put some more energy into specific, direct actions -- I'll try to go that way.

What topics did you most enjoy learning about?

The bucatini shortage of 2020. The 1996 Mount Everest disaster from Into Thin Air. By accident, how League of Legend works via the cnovel Glory; it's not that I cared about the game but I very much enjoyed the cnovel!

What new habits did you cultivate?

I started getting into regular yoga/pilates/working out, and then I fell pretty badly in the rain in September and that entirely fucked up my exercise routine for the rest of the year. Combined with work burnout and SAD, just not a good time for my combined mental and physical health, I admit.

Otherwise: I think the morning NYT newsletter while drinking coffee was a new habit this year? Along with Heather Cox Richardson's newsletter.

What advice would you give your early-2020 self if you could?

Enjoy your Costa Rica trip more, you're not going to be traveling anywhere domestically or internationally for a longass time.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? For the first time in a long time, sadder. The pandemic issues are ongoing and certainly aren't disappearing anytime soon in 2021. And consequently the same challenges with working from home will continue, and the lack of travel and seeing friends socially, and so on.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, I think? I don't own a scale but I'm pretty sure some clothes fit tighter. That said, I've also predominantly lived in sweats/loungwear/casual dresses with no waists for months. Just rotate 7-8 outfits.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer I think, because even with the house and getting takeout, I've spent less. No traveling! No buying new clothes or makeup or whatever. I did buy furniture though, but we are lucky that with the balance of not really doing other discretionary spending it didn't set us back.

What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?
Chris, probably, in that so much of this year for me was tied to work and conversations about work, and then outside of work we had a lot of good conversations equity and race -- and separately food and cute things. We supported each other through a lot this year and I'm grateful for that.

YOUR 2021

What do you want the overarching theme for your 2021 to be?

Try. Try at work -- not just to complain about what's imperfect or unsatisfying, but to try to make things better, and believe they're worth making better, even if imperfect. Try more to be engaged in the community. Try not to lose my mind about other people's pandemic behavior and how much I miss eating out. Try to keep pushing myself on stuff I read -- a mix of fun escapist stuff and also fun stuff that teaches me things. Try to stay in touch with loved ones in a meaningful and not cursory way. Try to look forward to new opportunities as the year unfolds, whether travel or work or whatever.

What do you want to see, discover, explore?

I'd like at least one (1) trip outside of the state, if possible. Outside the country might be a dream too big.

Who do you want to spend more time with in 2021?

My family. I haven't seen them since our China trip in May 2019. I'd like to spend time with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. And of course like, every one of my friends.

What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?

I'd like to improve speaking up at work, especially when I have contrary ideas.

Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?

Reaching out when I need help/support instead of just telling myself I will work through everything on my own. I can and I have done, but that doesn't mean I have to every time. And sometimes the outside perspective is helpful. (Sometimes.)

What do you want your everyday life to be like?

I have a decent routine now but I'd love a routine that involved more getting out of the house and seeing people again! And the occasional visit to a bookshop, a garden, a restaurant. Street festivals are a long way off, but more community and cultural stuff. More volunteering. Lots of reading, some watching, mostly of hockey probably.

Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?

I'd like to be less negative and cynical and more proactive about working on things that matter to me. I'd like to eat more fruit and get back into regular exercise, even if it's easy stuff like yoga and pilates first. Then get back into cardio and strength-training...

What do you want to achieve career-wise?

Will a raise ever be possible in this sector, in this economy? I'd like to formalize our internship process and create more genuine connections between our teens and students and Asia Society as a whole. Would I like more leadership opportunities? Well, I've been given one, so let's see how I fare and how I feel.

How do you want to remember the year 2021 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?

New opportunities to change from the "normal" we had before.

What is your number one goal for 2021?

Eat some fucking amazing sushi at the fucking restaurant, where it is served F R E S H.

2020 year in review

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