Brokeback Mountain spoof

[meitachi]

Because I have been reading too much of Maya and Jaz, I think I am funny. Because Brokeback, as wonderful as it was, had more than its fair share of snarkable moments. I thought I'd share my take on them. ^.^ Please to not be offended, no seriousness meant. It was an amazing film despite all that I plan on making fun of (well, it was either that or crying over it again...)

Disclaimer: Things may be out of order or left out because Mei has a defective memory. Also, not mine, as you should all be grateful for.

Brokeback Mountain
Mei's Completely Unserious Spoof


RATTLING OLD PICKUP TRUCK PULLING IN TO A STOP: One.

JACK: *steps out of the truck*
MEI: Hello cowboy jeans. Glued on, are they?
JACK: *lounges*
MEI: It's a mating call!
GAY MEN EVERYWHERE: We agree!
JACK: *has gorgeous fucking blue eyes*
MEI: Oooh, pretty... I like him!
MEI'S BRAIN: Not superficial at all, are we?
MEI: Shut up.

JACK: *shifts around car*
ENNIS: *shifts around trailer step*
SILENCE: *awkward*

RATTLING OLD STATION WAGON PULLING IN TO A STOP: One.

JOE: *stomps around angrily*
MEI: He's fat and ugly and I don't like him.
MEI'S BRAIN: Not superficial at all...
ENNIS: *leans against the wall of the trailer*
MEI'S BRAIN: Can he not stand up without support?
MEI: He's a cowboy. They lounge! Like Jack did! Jack did very good lounging.
JOE: *says some stuff angrily*
ENNIS: *eyes Jack*
JACK: *eyes Ennis*
MEI: UST!

JACK: I'm Jack Twist.
MEI: Jack what? Like Oliver Twist only a Jack instead? *perverted puns ensue in her head*
MEI'S BRAIN: I hate you.
ENNIS: *mumble* Ennis.
JACK: Your folks stop at Ennis?
ENNIS: *mumble* Ennis Del Mar.
JACK: *grin* Nice to meet you, Ennis Del Mar.
MEI: ENNIS DEL MAR? Who gave them these names? What were they on? Is this some sort of cowboy joke I'm missing? Like if you say his name really fast it sounds like, like--ennisdelmar?
MEI'S BRAIN: No.

IN A BAR NAMED "BAR"
JACK: I like the rodeo.
ENNIS: I like the ranch.
JACK: I don't like my dad. You?
ENNIS: My folks? There was only one curve in forty-three miles and they missed it. Good riddance.
JACK: Oh, poor orphan boy.
ENNIS: I had a tragic childhood. May I use your lighter?
MEI: He is using the sob story approach! Jack! Be aware of strangers trying to hit on you with their tragic childhood stories! Quick, give him your lighter and promise to sleep with him!
JACK: *hands Ennis his lighter*
MEI: Dammit, you missed the most important part.

MOUNTAIN: *is named Brokeback*
MEI: For a good reason, I presume? *perverted jokes ensue in head*
SHEEP: *are many...manymanymany*
MEI: Goddammit but I hate sheep. I can't see the pretty boys anymore!

JACK: *carts lambs around on his horse*
ENNIS: *carts lambs around on his shoulder*
MEI: Is this some strange sort of mating ritual of cowboys I'm missing? Also! When did they become shepherds? Where are the cows?
MEI'S BRAIN: You know, sometimes cowboys are expected to watch flocks of sheep, and their name is actually misleading...
MEI: What? One of them has to sleep with the sheep? Don't do it Jack! Sleep with Ennis instead! He is by far the sexier--and more human--choice.
MEI'S BRAIN: I give up.

COWBOYING ENSUES. BEANS ARE EATEN. SHEEP ARE SHEEPLIKE.

ENNIS: *mauled by a bear*
MEI: Hey, I know he's attractive but he's not that attractive. He mumbles, too!
BEAR: *disagrees*
MEI: *shrugs* Okay, to each his own. Jack likes him, anyway.
JACK: Where the fuck were-- OMG, you look like shit.
ENNIS: Really? I heard it was the new rugged look.
JACK: *pats his wound tenderly*
MEI: True love!

MORE COWBOYING STUFF. JACK AND ENNIS SWITCH ROLES AS CAMP-TENDER/POOR FOOL WHO SLEEPS WITH SHEEP.

JACK: *crazed harmonica playing*
ENNIS: You're cute.
MEI: Another one of those odd cowboy mating rituals! *takes notes*

ENNIS: *gets naked*
JACK: *peels potato*
ENNIS: *scrubs self down*
JACK: *peels potato*
ENNIS: LOOK AT ME, DAMN YOU.
JACK: *peels potato and has long lashes*
MEI: You're hopeless, I saw you looking! Your jaw twitched! Evidence!

JACK: *drinks whiskey*
ENNIS: *mumbles* Gimme some.
JACK: *sticks boot in fire*
MEI: I don't get it.
MEI'S BRAIN: You get very little.
MEI: Shut up.
JACK AND ENNIS: *gets ass-whoopingly drunk, quite literally*

ENNIS: *crawls around drunkenly*
CAMERA: *gratutious ass shot*
MEI: Heeeey, like PoT!
ANNOYING AUDIENCE: *chortle like the immature college students they are*
ENNIS: *mumble* 'M not going back to the sheep tonight. I'll just sleep here.
JACK: You'll die of cold. *gives him blanket and goes into tent*
ENNIS: *snore*

LATER
ENNIS: *shiver and whimper*
JACK: STFU and get in here, moron.
ENNIS: *drags himself and blanket into tent, tripping only once*
JACK: *grabs Ennis' hand and makes like a spoon*
ENNIS: Mmprghf.
JACK: *snuggle*
ENNIS: OMGWTF. *bolts upright*

JACK: *grab and grope*
ENNIS: *struggles away*
JACK: *undoes belt buckle*
ENNIS: *pauses and grabs Jack*
JACK: *gropes*
ENNIS: *undoes belt buckle*
JACK: *on all fours*
ENNIS: *spits*
JACK: *grunts and whimpers*
ENNIS: *grunts*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: *awkward snickering*
CAMERA: *is discreet and shadowy*
MEI: Wait, that was it? No kiss? No lube? ...ow.
MEI'S BRAIN: For once, agreed.

NEXT MORNING
ENNIS: *wakes up groggily and pulls up pants, exiting tent*
JACK: *fumbles around and exits tent, walking carefully*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: *more awkward snickering*
MEI: He's not walking that funny. It's hardly noticeable.
MEI'S BRAIN: Immature college audience, remember?
MEI: Fools.
MEI'S BRAIN: Hypocrite.
MEI: Shut up.

ENNIS: *goes cowboying*
SHEEP: *is dead and mauled and bloody*
ENNIS: Well, shit.

MEANWHILE
JACK: *gratuitously naked with cowboy boots on*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: *snickering*
MEI'S BRAIN: Apparently since Heath Ledger had a naked scene, Jake Gyllenhaal demanded one too! One that has no bearing whatsoever on the plot.
MEI: Hehehehe, nekkid!
MEI'S BRAIN: Immature college student.
MEI: With boots on! And beating his clothes up in the river!

ON A HILL OVERLOOKING SHEEP
ENNIS: This is a one-shot thing.
JACK: It's nobody's business but ours.
ENNIS: I ain't no queer.
JACK: Me either.
MEI'S BRAIN: OMG, that was verbatim!
MEI: I am that good.

JACK: *topless*
ENNIS: *topless*
TOPLESS!JACK AND ENNIS: *grapples and frolicks and tumbles*
BINONCULARS: *sees them*
JOE: *angry face*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: Ohhhh (in that annoying fight-in-the-high-school-cafeteria tone). *awkward snickering*

SNOW: *is dumped over everything*
ENNIS: *crawls out of tent and stares*
SNOW: *melts*

JOE: Your uncle's in the hospital suffering from an undisclosed illness.
JACK: Too bad. May I use this as an excuse to get out of this crap illegal job?
JOE: Nope. Sucks for you, m'boy.
JACK: Asshole.
JOE: But oh, um, there's this, uh, storm coming. You guys get off this mountain, y'hear?
JACK: Woohoo!
JOE: Bring the sheep.
JACK: Oh. Damn. Right, the sheep.
MEI: I hate sheep.
JOE: P.S. You're fired.

JACK: We gotta go.
ENNIS: Okay. *emos on a hill*
JACK: *lassos him*
MEI: Awwww, that's so cute. Their love is binding, binding and inescapable! I see the symbolism! This movie is so deep!
MEI'S BRAIN: Or you could be making things up.
MEI: I have practice, being a slash fangirl and all.
MEI'S BRAIN: In making things up?
MEI: No, in interpreting subtleties, stupid.

JACK: *grapples with Ennis*
ENNIS: *struggles in lasso*
MEI: See? Pummeling equals true love!
JACK: *accidentally punches Ennis*
ENNIS: *nosebleeds onto his shirt*
CAMERA: *zooms in significantly on the bloodstain on his sleeve*
JACK: Oops. *hugs him* It's all right, baby, it's all right.
ENNIS: *bleeds on his shirt too*
MEI: Oh, true love. Oh, blood play. Oh, so close.

OFF THE MOUNTAIN
JACK: *awkwardly* See you next summer?
ENNIS: I'm getting married in November.
JACK: Oh. ...see you next summer?
ENNIS: Sure, why not. Also, crap, I can't believe I left my shirt up there.
JACK: *shifty look* It was the wood nymphs, I tell you, the wood nymphs!
ENNIS: What?
MEI'S BRAIN: What?
MEI: Shut up.

RATTLING OLD PICKUP PULLING AWAY: One.

ENNIS: FUCK. *breaks down and vomits cries*
RANDOM COWBOY: *gives him odd look and wonders if it was something he ate and how to avoid it*
ENNIS: Please to go away. Fucker. *emos in alley*

FLASH FORWARD
ENNIS: *marries Michelle Williams*
ALMA: *is bridal*
PRIEST: *makes horrible advances on the bride*
ENNIS: *kisses Alma*
MEI: I wonder if he's comparing it to Jack's kisses.

MONTAGE OF HUSBANDLY AND WIFEY SWEET THINGS INVOLVING SLEDDING AND WEE BABIES WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP.

NEXT SUMMER:
JACK: Got any work for me?
JOE: Not for you, bastard who got into Ennis' pants before I did.
JACK: Nyah nyah nyah.

LATER
JACK: *rides bulls*
MEI: He is trying to reassert his manliness after being ridden!
JACK: *gives other random cowboy lookover*
OTHER RANDOM COWBOY: Fuck off, I'm bitter that you're prettier than me.
JACK: Well, shit. Can't help that I was born this way.

OTHER ENNIS AND ALMA STUFF. IRRELEVANT.

LUREEN: *rides a horse*
MEI: Her name is Lureen? *mocks incessantly*
LUREEN: *drops hat while riding past Jack*
MEI: She did that on purpose, the tawdry whore!
JACK: *hands her hat back to her and oh there is the spark of the first meeting of eyes*

IN A BAR, LATER
JACK: *eyes Lureen*
LUREEN: *eyes Jack*
JACK: *eyes Lureen*
LUREEN: You pretty dense thing, does a lady have to make the first move?
JACK: I'm girlier than you are any given day!
LUREEN: True. Dance with me.

JACK: *in car with Lureen*
LUREEN: You don't think I'm too fast, do you?
MEI: No, not at all--my eyes!!
LUREEN: *topless*
JACK: *pulls her down so as to SAVE OUR EYES*
MEI: Thank you, I knew there was a reason I loved you. I dislike unnecessary gratuitous naked flesh.
MEI'S BRAIN: "Unnecessary" meaning that not of pretty boys?
MEI: Exactly.

FLASH FORWARD
ENNIS AND ALMA'S KIDS: *grown up some, still annoying as hell*
ALMA: *works in grocery store*
ENNIS: *goes on round-ups*
KIDS: *knocks over glass jars*
ALMA: *washes dishes a lot*
ENNIS: *drinks beer a lot*
KIDS: *cries a lot*
MEI: Ah, domestic life. I never want to get married.

LUREEN: *has baby*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: *coos*
FATHER-IN-LAW: *is bastard*
JACK: *hates everybody*
MEI: Why did he marry her? Couldn't he just sleep with her and knock her up?
MEI'S BRAIN: He's a cowboy and cowboys are gentlemen. He married her to save her reputation!
MEI: ...I think this time you're the one who needs an incredulous look.
MEI'S BRAIN: Shut up. You've influenced me.

OTHER IRRELEVANT THINGS.

ALMA: *washing dishes again* You know someone named Jack?
ENNIS: *heart pounds* Er, maybe.
ALMA: Got a postcard from him today. Someone you used to go cowboying with?
MEI: Yeah, yeah, they went "cowboying" all right. Ennis rode him all night long. *snicker*
ENNIS: Er. We were fishing buddies.
MEI: Riding buddies!
ENNIS: *reads postcard*

POSTCARD: Ennis, I love you, I miss you, I want to strip you down and lick you up. See you in a few days. -Jack

ENNIS: ♥___♥
MEI: Damn, he remembers who Jack is? It's been four years!
MEI'S BRAIN: Not everyone's memory is as severely lacking as yours.
MEI'S MEMORY: Hey!

POSTCARD: Jack, bring the lasso. -Ennis

DAY OF JACK'S ARRIVAL
ENNIS: *fidgets*
ALMA: *washes dishes*
ENNIS: *drinks beer and fidgets*
ALMA: *reads to kids*
ENNIS: *fidgets and drinks beer*
ALMA: *feeds kids*
ENNIS: *drinks beer and fidgets and, for a change of pace, smokes*

CAR ENGINE: *heard*

ENNIS: *leaps to feet and runs to window*

RATTLING OLD PICKUP TRUCK PULLING IN TO A STOP: Two.

JACK: *is seen*
ENNIS: *throws himself down the stairs*

JACK: ENNIS!
ENNIS: JACK!
MEI: Please don't let this become a Tamahome-Miaka moment.
JACK AND ENNIS: *manly hug*
ENNIS: *furtive look around*
JACK: ??
ENNIS: *drags Jack into almost discreet side corner/alley/thing and slams mouths together, desperately*
JACK: !!
ENNIS: *uses tongue*
JACK: THAT'S CHEATING.
MEI: OMGBOISEX! ♥♥♥
MEI'S BRAIN: OMGBOISEX. Hot.
MEI: Hah!
MEI'S BRAIN: Shut up. This is your fault.

ALMA: *opens door, stops, sees husband making out with other man*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH. *awkward snickering*
ALMA: *closes door*
MEI: Aw, I feel bad for her. Except, hot boismex!
ALMA: *sits, trembles, in shock*

FIVE MINUTES LATER
ALMA: *still sitting, trembling, and in shock*
MEI: Aw, I hate her. I hope they are still kissing. Can we go back to the pretty boys kissing, please?
ENNIS: *comes in, wipes mouth* Er, Alma, this is Jack. My...fishing buddy.
JACK: *comes in looking thoroughly sexed up* Hi ma'am.
ALMA: *stares* Hi.
ENNIS: We're going "fishing" for a coupla days. Bye. *drags Jack away*
ALMA: ...fishing.
MEI: No, you stupid whore, "fishing." With quotations.

ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
FISHING: None.
TENT: One.
UNCLOTHED MEN: Two.
CUDDLING: Much.
HAPPY MEI: Definitely.

JACK: *goes back to Texas*
ENNIS: *goes back to Alma*
MEI: *goes back to being bitter*

ROMANTIC FORBIDDEN THRILLING LOVE THAT MEETS ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS FOR "FISHING" ON BROKEBACK OCCURS.

JACK: We should live together on ranch and raise cows. Because we are cowboys, albeit gay ones.
ENNIS: What's wrong with sheep?
JACK: They're not sexy enough!
ENNIS: Really?
JACK: Oh, and because we love each other.
ENNIS: *tells tragic, traumatizing tale of his bastard father and his penchant for bodily mutilations*
MEI: Oh god, ew, oh gross. I will fucking kill that bastard.
MEI'S BRAIN: Agreed.

LATER, RANDOMLY
ENNIS: *sexing up Alma*
ALMA: *topless*
MEI: GODDAMMIT.
ALMA: Stop and put on a condom. I practice safe sex. I don't know what kind of STDs you've caught from that bastard.
ENNIS: Don't insult my Jack, you bitch.
SEX: *does not occur*
MEI: *thanks the heavens*

CUT TO
DIVORCE: *granted*

RATTLING OLD STATION WAGON PULLING IN TO A STOP: Two.
MEI: He changed his method of travel! Because he is a married man and must reflect that in his automobile choices! ...I don't like this idea.

JACK: *bounces out and glomps Ennis* Hi baby. Don't you know me? I'm super lover tonight. Heard you got a divorce. Ready to move in with me yet?
ENNIS: Remember that tragic/traumatizing tale?
JACK: Fuck. Fine. I'll come back next month.
ENNIS: I'm a bastard.
MEI: Yeah.

RATTLING OLD STATION WAGON PULLING OUT: One.

JACK: *cries*
MEXICO: *appears*
JACK: *walks down street, hearing Spanish*
UGLY MANWHORE: Señor.
JACK: Do me.
UGLY MANWHORE: Sí.
MEI: WHY HIM, JACK, WHY? DON'T DO IT, SAVE YOURSLEF! THERE WERE PRETTIER ONES!!

ENNIS: *alone*
KIDS: *grown up and still annoying*

THANKSGIVING
JACK: *caterpillar grown under his nose*
MEI: OMG EWW NOOOO I TOLD YOU THAT MEXICAN WAS BAD FOR YOU JACK. WHY DIDN'YOU LISTEN TO ME?
MEI'S BRAIN: That's a mustache.
MEI: JACK, JACK, WHERE DID YOUR YOUTHFUL PRETTINESS GO? OR YOUR SLIGHTLY OLDER PRETTINESS?
MEI'S BRAIN: Superficial tart.
MEI: BUT JAAAACK.

LUREEN: *blonde* Eat your dinner, kid.
KID: *stares zombie-like at TV*
JACK: Listen to your mother, kid. *turns off TV*
FATHER-IN-LAW-FROM-HELL: *turns on TV* Football is manly.
MEI'S BRAIN: It's the sport filled with the most homoerotic UST ever. (Except for maybe rugby.)
MEI: EYESHIELD 21! HIRUMA! MUSASHI! SHIN AND SAKURABA!
JACK: *turns TV off* Bastard.
FATHER-IN-LAW-FROM-HELL: *gets up to turn TV on again*
JACK: Sit down and STFU you bastard or I will kick you into next week, fucker.
LUREEN: *grins and hides it*
MEI: I like her.
KID: *still zombie-like*
MEI: I dislike him. He creeps me out.

CUT TO DIFFERENT HOUSE
AUTOMATIC TURKEY CARVING MACHINE THING: *carves*
MEI: WTF is that?
NEW HUSBAND: *pompous*
KIDS: *annoying*
ENNIS: *tells awkward rodeo story awkwardly*
ALMA: *annoying*

ALMA: *washes dishes*
ENNIS: *hands her plates*
ALMA: You still see that Jack Nasty?
ENNIS: Not as much as I'd like.
ALMA: I think you see pretty much. Like, everything. Full-frontal nudity, yeah?
ENNIS: ...er, we fish in the nude.
ALMA: I wrote you a love letter and put it on the end of your fishing pole so it would be like you were fishing for my love but you never brought me any fish!
MEI: That means he didn't love you, clever girl.
ENNIS: You're a moron. I practice spousal abuse belatedly at you!
ALMA: *throws plates, screams, has hysterics*
ENNIS: *storms out of house*
KIDS: *run after* Bye, Dad!
MEI: God, they're needy.

ENNIS: *pissed off*
RANDOM GUY: *honks* Hey, arsehole!
ENNIS: *punches him*
MEI: Ah, wrong choice of expletive there, Random Guy.

RANDOM BARMAID: I like the way you hold your beer bottle, sexy cowboy.
ENNIS: ...
RANDOM BARMAID: Let's dance.
ENNIS: ...kay.
RANDOM BARMAID: Rub my feet.
ENNIS: ...
RANDOM BARMAID: Hello, I'm trying to pick you up.
ENNIS: ...fine.
RANDOM BARMAID: Mmm, this is the life.

CUT TO
LUREEN: *extremely very very blonde*
MEI: Ow, my eyes.
JACK: *still caterpillared*
MEI: Woe.
LUREEN'S FRIEND: *chatters*
LUREEN'S FRIEND'S HUSBAND: *eyes Jack*
JACK: *eyes back*
MEI: The eyes say it all. And Jack's eyes are saying, "I wish you were Ennis but at least you're male."
MEI'S BRAIN: Do they now?
MEI: ...that makes me sad.

LUREEN'S FRIEND: *talks*
LUREEN: *powders nose and takes friend with her*
JACK: Women.
LUREEN'S FRIEND'S HUSBAND: I have this nice little cabin up in the middle of nowhere where we could be alone together and go..."fishing."
JACK: ..."fishing" huh?
MEI: *wibbles* Without your Ennis?

IRRELEVANT STUFF WITH ENNIS' DAUGHTER. AND OTHER THINGS THAT MEI'S MEMORY FAILS TO RECALL.
MEI'S MEMORY: Hey! This is the second time I've been slighted!
MEI: With good reason.
MEI'S MEMORY: Shut up.

TEXAS
JACK: Where the hell's my parka?
LUREEN: How should I know? Why do you go up to Wyoming so much anyway?
JACK: It looks like Canada.
LUREEN: Ah, that explains it. I like Canada, myself.
MEI'S BRAIN: Stop making things up!

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
JACK: We could've had a good life but you wouldn't let us.
ENNIS: You broke me, Jack.
JACK: Yeah, well, same.
ENNIS: Too bad there's not a warranty, huh?
JACK: I wish I could quit you.
ENNIS: Now I'm a drug?
JACK: Fuck this shit.

FLASHBACK:
JACK: *catperillar-less*
MEI: YAYAYAY.
JACK: *sleeping on his feet*
ENNIS: *hugs from behind*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: *awkward snickering*
MEI: Awwww.
ENNIS: It could be like this always, just like this.
MEI: *more wibblings*

END FLASHBACK
JACK: *regains caterpillar*
MEI: *restrains self from having flying fits*
ENNIS: *drives away with horses*
JACK: We could've had a nice ranch in Mexico and made all the manwhores our ranchhands and had some nice cows and maybe some sheep, even, but nooo.
MEI: I blame the caterpillar.
MEI'S BRAIN: For the last time, it's a mustache.

TIME PASSES
ENNIS: *gets mail*
MUSIC: *changes*
MEI: Oh shit.

POSTCARD: Jack, please come back and give us another try. I won't do you wrong, I promise! Please forgive me! I'll marry you and let you wear the wedding dress like you've always wanted, okay? Please, little darlin'? XOXO, Ennis
STAMP ON CARD: DECEASED.

IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: OOHHHH.
MEI: *heart stops* Fuck. That was out of the blue.

ENNIS: *calls Lureen* Er, this is Ennis Del Mar.
LUREEN: Who?
ENNIS: Jack's, um, buddy.
LUREEN: Ah, the "riding" buddy.
ENNIS: "Fishing" buddy.
LUREEN: Whatever.
ENNIS: So. Um, how'd he die?
LUREEN: Something technical, tire blew up, he drowned in his own blood.
ENNIS: Pleasant.
LUREEN: Yeah, I thought so.
ENNIS: He buried?
LUREEN: Cremated. Ashes are with his bastard of a dad. He said he wanted them scattered on Brokeback though. Is that like Narnia?
ENNIS: No, it's where we--uh...fished. Cowboyed.
LUREEN: Ah.
ENNIS: So, you know?
LUREEN: I will be cryptic about this but obviously yes. Go see his family.
ENNIS: 'Kay.
LUREEN: Good cowboy.

TWIST HOME
MOM: *smiles sadly*
DAD: *is a bastard*
ENNIS: Can I see his room and touch his stuff?
MOM: Of course!

JACK'S ROOM
ENNIS: *touches things*
MEI: Think he's klepto?
ENNIS: *finds shirts with bloodstains*
MEI: Oh wow...20-year-old bloodstains...that's kind of uncomfortable...
ENNIS: *cries into shirt*
MEI: ...aww...okay, that's not fair. Not fair at all.

DOWNSTAIRS
ENNIS: I'm, uh, gonna take these shirts.
MOM: 'Kay! Here's a doggy bag for them.
ENNIS: Want me to take his ashes too?
DAD: Fuck no.
ENNIS: Fine then.

LATER
ENNIS: *eats pie*
RANDOM BARMAID: Hey cowboy, I like the way you eat your pie--I mean, where the fuck have you been?
ENNIS: *mumble*
RANDOM BARMAID: I loved you, you know.
MEI: Well, he didn't love you. What was your point in this movie?
MEI'S BRAIN: Beats me.

RATTLING NEW CAR PULLING IN TO A STOP: One.

ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: Daddy, I'm getting married.
ENNIS: To Troy?
ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: Oh please, Daddy, he was so two years ago. I'm marrying Curt.
ENNIS: How old are you?
ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: 19.
MEI'S BRAIN: Ah, the parallels...Ennis was 19 when he first met Jack.
MEI: NO WAY. He was at least 33!
ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: Come to my wedding?
ENNIS: I have a round-up.
ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: *sad face*
ENNIS: But I will go to your wedding if only to give you a new shirt not as painful as that one.
ENNIS' DAUGHTER #1: Yay, Daddy! Here, ply me with some alcohol and then I'll drive away!

RATTLING NEW CAR PULLING AWAY: One.

ENNIS: *has his and Jack's bloodstained shirts hanging on his closet door with postcard of Brokeback Mountain taped beside them*
MEI: ...still creepy. Sad, but creepy.
ENNIS: Jack, I swear...
MEI: ...that I will find out where you're hiding after you faked your death! To Mexico it is! Where Jack is dressed as a girl among nuns and waiting for Ennis to come find him and sweep him off his feet!
MEI'S BRAIN: This is not a shoujo manga.
MEI: Dammit.

THE END.


And then Mei was shot for making fun of one of the best movie's she's seen in, well, ever. For a serious review, go here.

Comments

[-sana-.livejournal.com]

...I love you.

XD I am so making an icon out of that first Postcard.

*loved that movie, too*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eee, if you do, I'd love to see! I'm glad you enjoyed my mindless fangirling. XD;

[hennamenna.livejournal.com]

This made me giggle.
I laughed throughout it all.
Yay!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Parodies are meant to be funny--I'm glad I managed to succeed. I was afraid that I was only amusing myself because I am a silly, strange girl... I'm glad you liked it!

[darksecretlover.livejournal.com]

*brain hurts from reading all that* so funny. XDD That's alot of crack on the movie. XDD Now I want to see the movie even MORE. Maybe I'll understand this alot better then? hmm.. XD *head hurts some more from laughing so much* need....sleep...heh. until next time!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Haha, it took me forever to write and I kept pestering my roommate to help me remember the order of the scenes and what I'd left out. I was so relieved to finally get it all up, though I definitely had a lot of fun being snarky about it. You should've really seen the movie first! I hope I haven't ruined it for you. D: Come back and read this after you've seen it! ^^.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

There's a fine line between interpreting subtleties and blatantly making things up and we fangirls tread it carefully...half the fun's in not knowing, really.

And, wow, thank you for the rec!

[halfdutch.livejournal.com]

OMG, that was fucking hysterical. (here via green_queen's link.

I especially loved the inanimate bits. "MOUNTAIN: *is named Brokeback*"

TOO damn funny. Thanks for the laugh.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear you liked it so much! It was definitely a lot of fun to write and I'm glad it actually it came off funny and not just me cheapening the movie in attempts at humor. (Though I have to give credit to a couple of talented people whose parodies of other movies inspired me.)

[ash-atak.livejournal.com]

Ok, I usually hate spoofs because if I love the movie enough I get offended. But this was just too cute and hilarious and clearly things I was thinking later after I'd seen the movie. I'm copying and pasting it and keeping it forever >.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm happy to hear you didn't find this offensive. :D Many of the things I snarked about in the parody were things my friends and I were joking about after seeing the movie--glad that other people thought it was funny too. ^^;

[forochel.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I WANT TO WAAAATCH~ T___________T;

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I WANT YOU TO WATCH TOOOOOO. ;0; You will see it some day, never fear. Somehow. ::starts scheming::

[lady-mari-chan.livejournal.com]

Oh Mei! I needed that. The movie was great! But your version was the Yaoi Bomb! ^_^

[meiface.livejournal.com]

The movie really was amazing--my version was just the short, snarky version going on in my head. XD I'm glad you liked it!

[dirtyscoundrel.livejournal.com]

I'm also here via green_queen That was pure genius! (I'm pimping this entry, for a parody this funny needs to be recognized) ^-^

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eee, thank you! I'm happy to hear you like it!

[the-legion2012.livejournal.com]

POSTCARD: Jack, bring the lasso. -Ennis

this made me laugh so hard. omg. brilliant. it was building, but this line was the one who cracked my brain, lol.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! But we all know that gay cowboys aren't proper gay cowboys without their lassos. ^_~.

[sage3.livejournal.com]

you win at life...if there's anything better than studying for finals at this moment in my life, it is re-reading your parody...and I just may. :D

ps, I re-read the words "little darlin" about seventy times...it was like some kind of quicksand for my eyes. @_@ bizarre...

and, caterpillar. completely agreed. to think of how many screencaps are marred by that obtrusively glaring patch of fur...*le sigh*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eee, thank you! And good luck on your finals!

(I quite agree about the spoiled screencaps, alas...)

[ametris.livejournal.com]

... XD

Much love for this!

P.S When I went to it it was mostly full of old wrinkly couples... heheh, and thus the proof that fangirls span across many generations.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Ah, the wide span of audiences and of course I get the immature one. ^^; The movie made up for that, thankfully.

[andbamnan.livejournal.com]

LUREEN: Cremated. Ashes are with his bastard of a dad. He said he wanted them scattered on Brokeback though. Is that like Narnia?
ENNIS: No, it's where we--uh...fished. Cowboyed.
LUREEN: Ah.
ENNIS: So, you know?
LUREEN: I will be cryptic about this but obviously yes. Go see his family.

Lmao, thanks for the laugh :)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[icemint.livejournal.com]

"what? no lube? OW." that's what I thought! xDD I didn't like the moustache either =( it took away some of the hotness that is Jack Twist. haha, this amused me so. =)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I think my mind's blocked out the half of the movie with Jack's mustache...it's less painful that way. XD; I'm glad you found this funny, thanks! I try to be clever, oh yes...

[cuemypulse.livejournal.com]

MEI: OMGBOISEX! ♥♥♥
MEI'S BRAIN: OMGBOISEX. Hot.
MEI: Hah!
MEI'S BRAIN: Shut up. This is your fault.

--

JACK: *cries*
MEXICO: *appears*
JACK: *walks down street, hearing Spanish*
UGLY MANWHORE: Señor.
JACK: Do me.
UGLY MANWHORE: Sí.

oh my GOD. *dying* I think I love you :P

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Hee, thank you!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it! :D

[pinkilicious-ks.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA that was funny XDDD
I want to see the movie~

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eeee, definitely a movie worth seeing, as I keep telling you and everyone in the world. XD; I'm glad you liked this~

[mowglimoonshado.livejournal.com]

Saw the movie. Thought it was wondeful. Think this is hilarious. Feel slightly guily for finding this so terribly amusing. Nonetheless was glad to have a laugh after being thoroughly depressed after seeing the film.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I love your icon! ♥♥ My favorite scene? Why, yes! And I feel vaguely guilty about making fun of the movie too, but, well, I couldn't resist. I'm glad you liked it though!

[aisutenshi.livejournal.com]

ENNIS: *gets naked*
JACK: *peels potato*
ENNIS: *scrubs self down*
JACK: *peels potato*
ENNIS: LOOK AT ME, DAMN YOU.
JACK: *peels potato and has long lashes*
MEI: You're hopeless, I saw you looking! Your jaw twitched! Evidence!

*SPRAYS her tea all over computer screen*

But uhm. This made me laugh, a lot :D But it also made me sad, for obvious reasons. T.T

ENNIS: Jack, I swear...
MEI: ...that I will find out where you're hiding after you faked your death! To Mexico it is! Where Jack is dressed as a girl among nuns and waiting for Ennis to come find him and sweep him off his ffet!

Yes please ;0;
I wish they had a happy ending, but then again, it's kind of difficult when the plot of the story [I hesitate to say novel/book or movie/film :x] is just... /that/ good. T____T

But I'll probably say more on this topic after I've actually /seen/ the movie >_____>;;

So much love, wah ;0; ♥

[meiface.livejournal.com]

♥♥ I'm sure the parody will make much more sense after you see the movie, yes. XD; So go see it and then you can enjoy the strange conversations I have in my head with my brain! You are anticipating so mch, I'm sure.

Laughing at this movie is good after the tragedy and angst. ;_;

[ballarina-poses.livejournal.com]

I have no idea who you are, but i fucking love you. That was amazing.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it!

[snowmage14.livejournal.com]

haha, I can't even begin to process the info of watching all those episodes again. LOL, I think I made my eyesight worse the first time around, and Tezuka's hair really does defy gravity doesn't it? hehe, but I think he's hot as ever!!! ^_^

[mienai1582.livejournal.com]

I bookmarked this so I could come back to it when I've watched the movie, which I just did...

XDD ♥

Especially this part:

JACK: You'll die of cold. *gives him blanket and goes into tent*
ENNIS: *snore*

LATER
ENNIS: *shiver and whimper*
JACK: STFU and get in here, moron.
ENNIS: *drags himself and blanket into tent, tripping only once*
JACK: *grabs Ennis' hand and makes like a spoon*
ENNIS: Mmprghf.
JACK: *snuggle*
ENNIS: OMGWTF. *bolts upright*

JACK: *grab and grope*
ENNIS: *struggles away*
JACK: *undoes belt buckle*
ENNIS: *pauses and grabs Jack*
JACK: *gropes*
ENNIS: *undoes belt buckle*
JACK: *on all fours*
ENNIS: *spits*
JACK: *grunts and whimpers*
ENNIS: *grunts*
IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE: *awkward snickering*
CAMERA: *is discreet and shadowy*
MEI: Wait, that was it? No kiss? No lube? ...ow.
MEI'S BRAIN: For once, agreed.

Gosh that was almost play-by-play of the entire scene, what did you do, video-cam it in your head you genius?? I had the exact "huh, that was all?" reaction :p And it seems the general Singapore audience (at least those at the same screening as me) had the same reactions as the "IMMATURE COLLEGE AUDIENCE" at yours. >_>

Oh!
FATHER-IN-LAW-FROM-HELL: *turns on TV* Football is manly.
MEI'S BRAIN: It's the sport filled with the most homoerotic UST ever. (Except for maybe rugby.)
MEI: EYESHIELD 21! HIRUMA! MUSASHI! SHIN AND SAKURABA!

That was so random! XDD Great work! *Memories and trots off to read your serious review*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I'm glad you enjoyed the parody! I had so much fun writing it--though I did it the night right after watching it, I think, so most things were still pretty clear. I did have to poke my friends for help in a lot of sequences of events when I couldn't remember which had happened first. ^^;

Eyeshield 21 looooove!