why i love kihae (an incoherent essay)

[meitachi]

(01) So...not so much on trusting New Zealand sites anymore. The host site for my travel blog has apparently been suspended? I think I may have lost all of my 35 posts...those insightful, thoughtful posts! Some with pictures even. :( ETA: Blog back up! Thank goodness, NZ.

(02) In other news: I have a recs journal! compartmental for my personal biased recs of fic, songs, books, dramas, etc. Updated whenever I feel like reccing. (Though I suppose I should add the disclaiemr that most of the fic I'll be reccing will be, surprise surprise, Super Junior.) There are a few things up there right now and I should be adding some others fairly soon. So take a look, feel free to friend or bookmark or totally ignore at your leisure.

(Will still be posting to bulchibyung - though many of the fic recs may well just be crossposted.)

(03) So really the main thrust of this post is that I was reading an amazing fic last night, full of amazing characterization and relationship development and depth of feeling, and generally made of amazing - and in the end, I thought of this fic, and that is what broke me.

Not because the first fic wasn't amazing (it was), but because there is something particularly special about Kihae for me.


Kihae was my first ship in Suju - hell, it was the reason I first got into Suju. I watched the movie, fell in love with both Kibum and Donghae, and Kihae and - I've never really fallen out of love.

For a long period of time, my favorite wavered between Kibum and Donghae. Somewhere along the line, Leeteuk swept by and claimed number one in my heart. Oh leadersshi, I thought, who was so precious and felt so much under his happy exterior, but still so much stronger than people gave him credit for. Angel without wings. And so along with that love came my first officially labeled OTP: KangTeuk. They were so married. Everyone accepted them as fact, so everyone moved onand wrote other, more fun ships, etc.

But all along, Kihae was still up there in my heart, tying up heartstrings with Kibum's blinding white smile and Donghae's energy and adorable antics. I would still get steamrolled occasionally by how fucking hot the two of them were, together or separate.

In the past few months, maybe since last summer, I...didn't quite fall back in love with Kihae - I'd never fallen out of love. But something about them and the way they were caught my attention again. Kibum's arms of sex. Donghae in SJM. Donghae's budding arms of sex. Kibum being mysteriously absent and beautiful. Donghae stole number one back in my heart and looks like he'll never be dislodged. I'm okay with that. ♥

Maybe it's weird to ship RPS like this (I never thought I would). To me, though, it's not quite so much the creepy belief that I really think Kibum and Donghae are meant to be forever and ever, irl, etc. It's just something about the person Kibum is and the person that Donghae is...and how, in my head, in my fiction, in my fandom, those two people and personalities go together so well that I can't fall out of love with them.

So there's a firm distinction in my mind between RL and fandom. RL gives me two awesome and very attractive guys who make me smile and whom I adore a lot. Take those two as personalities in fandom, fictionalizing them as who they are but knowingly putting them into a fantasy - in that fantasy, they are perfect for each other (for me).

It's...the dynamic. It's that Kibum's quiet and non-hysterical. It's that he tends to be more closed off and not so openly accessible to other people or their feelings. He doesn't dislike other people; he just doesn't get close to them easily. He has a small group of close friends and that's enough for him, because he doesn't need more. He smiles, beautiful, but he hides behind it sometimes, holding a distance between himself and a lot of the other members. He prefers solo activities, acting and reading and playing computer games. He doesn't really welcome the loud, raucous crowd, even if he cares for them all in his own way. He's mature for his age, not so rowdy, even though he still knows how to tease and play. He just knows what he wants.

It's that Donghae is nearly his polar opposite - childish, childlike, innocent and playful. He loves everyone loudly, fiercely, with so little reserve. He's emotional. He's dependent on people like Heechul, Leeteuk. He cries and laughs with everything he is, feeling all the time, holding nothing back. He hurts easily, bounces back easily, is strong in his dependency and attachment on others because he lets them help him when he needs. He gets lonely easily and needs a lot of affection and attention. He has his own brand of maturity and knowledge, some brought on by hard struggles as a trainee, too much brought on by losing his father - but he doesn't close himself off. He needs people and loves people unabashedly.

There is something just so precious to me about the way Kihae would work, because Kibum would have always been fond of Donghae, sure, but to realize that he's somehow crept into Kibum's heart...to realize that maybe, maybe this is more, and it's terrifying, because does Kibum even want the chaos Donghae would bring to his life?

And yet...maybe part of him has always longed for that, been envious of Donghae's ability to live so carefreely, to laugh and be spontaneous and feel so much. Every day. And it would be terrifying but it would be worth it and when Kibum finally, slowly, accepted Donghae's presence in his life and his heart, it will mean giving up a part of himself. Letting go of some of the fear, of the tendency to clutch at order and solitude.

And Donghae. Donghae could love anyone. He could. This is why I can ship him with practically anyone. But I ship Kihae most because the idea of Donghae returning Kibum's tentative, uncertain, but growing feelings just makes me so happy. Because Donghae can make Kibum laugh, and Kibum would keep him in line and be the sober balance to Donghae's tendency to go overboard. Kibum would be his anchor, and, god and this is why I love them..

They would be opposites, but they would balance each other out. They would have enough things in common to make it work. I don't believe in a totally childish, flaily, naive Donghae characterization because that isn't him. He would be know enough to value compromise and they could make it work, because it matters enough.

But yet they would have so many issues, because they wouldn't understand each other at first, and they would fight and break up and be apart before realizing, no. It doesn't work like this. He's too important to me. Somehow I believe, if they ever got together, they would come back to each other, no matter what happened to break them up or push them away from each other.

But there's also so much possibility that they won't ever get together initially because Kibum is reserved and Donghae loves everyone. And everyone loves him too, to some degree. And Kibum may never say a word, or Donghae may never realize his own feelings, or something would happen like what I wrote in that fic once where - they just miss each other. Because Donghae falls out of love, because he can't sustain it without reciprocation, when he has so many others clamoring for his love and attention - and Kibum would never quite get over it. Never quite dare to say the words. But he would move on, find someone else, because he wouldn't want to step in and ruin things for Donghae now when he believes it's too late and there's no chance.

Just. Everything about them, whether they work out or not, they break my heart into pieces and put it back together again and oh I love them, I do. I love this dynamic. It's not that it's Donghae and Kibum specifically, it's this character-type that Donghae is and the character-type that Kibum is and how together they would work (or not work) and this is the kind of love story that undoes me totally.

So it's not so much the RL factor. It's that they, as a fandom pairing, speak most to my heart. It's not the "married" bit KangTeuk's got going on for me (and irl they are so important to each other it's not even funny), or the "fated" bit ShiHan's got going on. The only thing that even comess close to this dynamic for me is HanChul and the amazing epic BFFery that goes beyond even just being best friends. But that also is because Heechul is so very amazing and I love him and and and it's not quite the same because I adore HanChul's friendship above all else, including any romantic shipping between the two.

I guess the next closest thing to Kihae for me is Qmi, which is almost a variation of the Kihae dynamic for me and probably explains why it stole my heart forever (though not quite the same way, because I don't think Kyuhyun is nearly as closed off as Kibum is). Also, well, all the ridiculous Qmi pics in China fed the fangirling - but it was the dynamic that kept it in my top pairings.

But Kihae.

It's this kind of dynamic that breaks me irl too, in original novels, in tv shows, movies, other fandoms, whatever. It's what they have, the needing each other, the wanting, the letting go, the - everything. I'm so incoherent and this sounds crazy, I know, but please trust me that this is not about the RPS as much as it is about the way the dynamic works. For me, this is what breaks my heart every time, even when they get together. This is why Kihae is my...I won't use OTP because I don't really ship one "true" pairing in this fandom, lol. But they're my favorite and my best in this fandom, with none other to compare. This is why.

There's just that something about them.



(On a less seroius note: also because to me THEY ARE BOTH RIDICULOUSLY HOT. They would have such a steamingly hot sex life, are you kidding me? There is no other pairing this hot in SJ in my totally biased opinion laksdjfldsk.)




CRYING SO THIS IS LIKE A THREE PAGE ESSAY ON WHY MEI IS CRAZY (FOR KIHAE). Oh god, I never wanted to be this kind of fangirl alksdjfld. I promise, promise, I'm not really. It's not so much them that makes me love them (though...in a way it is), it's just the way their love story would work.

OTL Please let me know if you see the distinction I'm trying to make. In this incoherent rambling.

Comments

[hoyah.livejournal.com]

essay became like a fic xD lol but i mean, isn't that what our fics are, usually? working out an explanation for some dynamic that we see with this or that pairing that we can't stop thinking about? :)

i liked this a lot.

also, i'm glad someone else thinks of the dynamic like that. :) it's how i continue to love horella, though there's so little to see of them these days. it's how my otp's like that and hosu can continue on without this need for them to be touchy feely every moment of the day - because, you know, you can tell they'd work just by being who they are.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

alksdjf haha yes, it did, didn't it? But also yes about fic and why people do it! Sometimes it's for crack or for fun, but a lot of times it's so you can pin down the dynamic and make it work and sort of explain it to others how you see it working.

Aaaand yes, dynamic, totally. This is why shipping RPS is not so weird to me - you don't necessarily need the RL "canon" interactions and proof, since so much of it is based on the character-types and the dynamic they would have together, any time.

[czarny.livejournal.com]

ur everywhere :) r u god?

[hoyah.livejournal.com]

ohoho i have been found out!

[czarny.livejournal.com]

omo you used a different icon.

HU R U.

(http://s664.photobucket.com/albums/vv10/jihongssi/Super%20Junior/?action=view&current=e008417447c9498ad4c52.gif)





Sorry op for spamming, I can't help it D:

[hoyah.livejournal.com]

everyone and no one at the same time muahaha

[meiface.livejournal.com]

alskdjs .____. Kihae tops me hard, Kendra. I can't help it.

(Aww but I love the RL Eunhae bffery even if I don't ship them in fandom! See, line distinction again! XD)

[chasedbytime.livejournal.com]

wow your essay basically sums up how i feel about them / rps. i literally NEVER though i would get into rps because it's creepy and wrong and all that jazz. but then once i got into it, i realized it's only creepy and wrong if you actually 100% believe that they're together in real life and you make it a point to link every little thing together. now, this is different than what (i like to think) most rps shippers think: which is, like you so eloquently stated, that the two characters of the people are perfect together.

idek i feel like i'm just repeating everything you said but BASICALLY i adore this essay and kihae and your thoughts on rps in general. ♥

[chasedbytime.livejournal.com]

thought*

i hate not catching typos ;___;

[meiface.livejournal.com]

:D your comment makes me happy and makes me feel less crazy, lol. It really is quite a mix of RPS thoughts and why I love Kihae thoughts, so I'm glad you could find points on which you agree!

Yeah, I had some problem with the concept of RPS before - and it's why JaeHo shippers from DBSK often scare me because so many of them don't seem to see that distinction b/w RL and fantasy/fandom.

BUT YES I LOVE KIHAE. (But I ♥ the Qmi icon too~)

[chasedbytime.livejournal.com]

omg the crazy jaeho shippers (or cassies in general...) scare me D: like yeah, i like to think that every glance is ~significant~ but they freak me out ;____; i really need to get into dbsk but the cassies deter me...

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Haha sadly DBSK just doesn't interest me that way (I guess they are not as much crack as SJ...) but yeah. Even still, the crazy Cassies are a huge turn-off.

[papered.livejournal.com]

I feel like anything I could say in this comment would be inadequate in response, but! so many things you've so eloquently said re: kihae really hits home and I'm a mix of alkfjsakfj and ;OOOO; just reading through this. ♥

[papered.livejournal.com]

also, your travel blog, ):!!! are you going to set up another one somewhere?

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Oh it's back! THANK GOD.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what I said on MSN: ♥♥♥ I'm glad!

[sapphynashi.livejournal.com]

Oh, KiHae. ♥ This reminds me of my love for them. (ALSO I STILL REALLY LIKE THEIR PAIRING NAME, IT'S ONE OF THE MORE AESTHETIC ONES, I THINK.)

And ooh yay, a rec journal. I love your recs. :D ...even if you are reccing my fic for some reason akljdfha.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

YOU SHOULD BE REMINDED MORE OFTEN SAPPHY. I'm sure I'm still waiting for a Kihae fic from you. :'(

(And lol yes their pairing name is aesthetically pretty~ *__* Like few others!)

Shush and take it like a woman, lol.

[ch-ar-me.livejournal.com]

lakjsdfkaf oh mei you know what i love about you most is that you're able to logically AND IN LENGTH explain and make sense out of things i can never hope to vocalize. write down. whatever.

i love how you clearly explained the distinction between fandom and rl, because akhgdhas i find that so goddamn hard to explain. just... YOU. okay. there needs to be an altar dedicated to your meta. (if there's none yet, i can pretty much oversee the construction. kibum can exert those arms of his for this cause, yes. *nods*)

kjdgsa memming for the love of all things kihae ;o;

[meiface.livejournal.com]

lmfao please get Kibum to build me an altar. Actually, it doesn't have to be an altar, he can build me anything. Hell, he doesn't even have to build me anything, he should just be somewhere close to me. :3

I'm glad the RPS meta bit made sense. :D This is not quite the RPS meta post I'd wanted to write ages ago (I would include more how it weirds me out less when it's kpop/jpop stars because they're far away removed enough to be characters and fandom, with just enough RL about them to feed the fandom with "canon". But ficcing bandom in the U.S. for example weirds me out b/c they can read it and b/c their band culture means they're already on LJ and myspace already. SO WEIRD.)

...but mostly I just wanted to talk about my love for Kihae hahaha.

[ch-ar-me.livejournal.com]

construction-worker!kibum. it's such a nice mental. D: or he could just stand there. flex his muscles upon demand. would do too, i'm sure.

i haven't had any urge to ship bandom really, or any US (and i use that term very loosely meaning lol any actor/whatever that can actually speak the english language) pairing. i read before cookleta because it amused me (and it was rec'd), but i don't really ship them or anything. and while pinto makes me kasjdghksa inside i like their epic bff-ery and (as you said) dynamics more, esp in all interviews they have, but shipping? not that much really.

rps in general just... weirds me out in a sense, mostly because of the rl factor and there's this whole what if there's a chance (albeit a minuscule one) that i meet them up close i wouldn't be able to look at them straight knowing i imagined them having omgzwildkinkysex with each other. uhm yes. hence the separation of rl and fandom. rl just fuels it, but idk there still needs to be a line.

asgkda see this is why there's you cos i for the life of me cannot make sense at all D8

and even you write a whole damned THESIS on kihae, or the dynamics of relationships in suju for that matter, i'm sure a lot of us would be willing to read. :D

[black-goose.livejournal.com]

dynamics. It's the dynamics that make pairings, trufax. It's why I love Shihanchul: all the dynamics are there, they work together, but it's on a fandom level. You have to make that distinction. But eeeeeee, I like Kihae for all those reasons and because it's really, really hot :D

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING MORE USEFUL TO SAY BUT I DON'T :( brb stalking your rec journal.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

alkjfdks I think this explains why all my biases are my biases - why I adore ShiHanChul and Qmi and whatever. Theyy just play off each other so well like that, more than I could see, for example, Yemin or Kanghyuk. While I wouldn't mind reading a well-written fic for them occasionally, part of me just doesn't buy the dynamic, or it's just not the dynamic that fits me, that I'm looking for and wanting.

So this is why ShiHanChul is yours and Kihae is mine. XD There's just that something we're looking for.

alskdjfslk AND YES KIHAE IS FUCKING HOT, TRUFAX.

[taylormercury.livejournal.com]

This is pretty much exactly why KiHae is one of my favourites, too. It's that opposite-ness they have, and yet how well it works together. It really is a balance. That, and the fact that Donghae makes Kibum smile for real. He's one of the few that we see Kibum laughing and joking and getting playful with.
I remember this fancam once (alas, I cannot find it anymore ;_;) and it made me flail so hard fhskdlsld Kibum stands behind Donghae and starts pulling on his ponytail, and it was so adorable and such a playful obnoxious thing to do and fhskfkal oh. KiHae, never leave ;~; ♥

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I think I've seen that fancamm! I know I have a pic of screencaps at least, even if we can't find the video anymore. Seriously askjflsd that and their Marry U fooling around - they were so adorable. And Donghae really, genuinely, got Kibum to smile. ♥ And I love that.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

this is like the kihae fic you haven't written yet.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

:/ I wrote part of it! Just not the happy bits. :(

[risabet.livejournal.com]

It's just like you said. It's that they work, as human beings and individuals, together, be it romantic or platonic, fictional or real.

It's like those few precious people you will always have a spot for in your heart. Even if the pair of them grew distant over the years - something I doubt would actually happen, given Donghae's outgoing character - I don't think they'd stop having that love and caring for each other.

For you it may have been the movie, but for me it was you who made me originally fall in love with Kihae! :D ♥ Man, this makes me want to write.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

alksdjfld it makes me so happy when other people like Kihae and if I helped that even a little, well. :) ♥♥ There's just something so special about them for me!

(I would love it if you wrote! :D)

[goldengutgirl.livejournal.com]

I TOTALLY READ EVERYTHING AND LIKE IA ON EVERYTHING AND WOW I WANT TO CRY ACTUALLY.

lol I wish my comment was more useful? But I'm in pieces by how amazing you can draw up and organize (yes I think so haha) your thoughts like this, as compared to me if I even tried. Kihae makes my heart hurt sometimes--because sometimes I want it to be real so bad, even if I know I will probably never get a chance to see it for what it is in person.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I don't need useful comments hahaha. just love for Kihae. Donghae. Whatever. Sometimes I just sit and think, huh, wow, I love them a lot. And sometimes I feel the need to meta about them, thus this entry. alskdfj I'm glad you feel the same way about them. :D

[skadihelias.livejournal.com]

I know I'm a dork when I read this and almost cried >.<

Oh, Meiiiiiii, why so sweet? ;_______;

I've never really put any thought on the reason why I like KiHae. I just...like them, since the first time I see this pairing. When I think of it, maybe it's because they just look so good together. I might be biased, but IMHO no other pairings in SuJu can look as hot as KiHae together :3 They like, pushed all the right buttons. Maybe, it's their dynamics. They're so different yet it's not hard to see them click perfectly with each other, or maybe it would be better to say they complete each other. There's no other pairing in SuJu that you can easily imagine to happen and/or to fall apart. The almost scary the way we can imagine what happened behind what we can see, whether it really happens or not, so easily. Even my friends who are not a KiHae shipper can describe their dynamics so perfectly.

ASDKFHASDFJHASDFJ incoherent, IDEK. I just love them and I don't care why.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

No, no, not at all! If I had been reading this from someone else about Kihae, I probably would've been all ;______; too. Kihae does this to me like no other pairing can (though there are others that come close, like I said!). Just. Yes, there is that something about them. ♥

Plus, absolutely, THEY ARE SO HOT TOGETHER. So hot. Ugh omg.

[recarte.livejournal.com]

It's this kind of dynamic that breaks me irl too, in original novels, in tv shows, movies, other fandoms, whatever.
I totally get what you mean about dynamics. The dynamics between characters or people, it's what gets me every time. :')

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Yes, dynamics of a relationship, defining how they work, why they work - that is what gets me. ♥

[loveslipped.livejournal.com]

I think in the end these two complete each other. Opposites attract. The two of them being together just works.

It was a pleasure reading why you love Kihae. Totally inspired me since I am writing a Kihae fic ;)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eee, happy for inspiration and more Kihae fic. Happy also that you agree about the special that is Kihae. ♥

[filterpaper.livejournal.com]

SOBBING WHY DOES THIS EXIST

[meiface.livejournal.com]

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[vanillacat.livejournal.com]

AH, YES. FINALLY. Words for explaining RPS.

It's like, if you think about it too hard - RPS is a little creepy. For example, I can't read DBSK fic with Yoohwan in it, because I've met him (granted, very briefly, and I'm 100% sure he wouldn't recognize me if we met today) RL, and linking his fandom character to his RL person just weirds me out.

But when you think about the characters, it's all ok. You could, essentially, replace "Donghae" and "Kibum" in a fic with "Steve" and "Bryan", and nothing much would change, because fiction is fiction. But, thankfully, Donghae and Kibum exist in RL, so not only do we have [smoking hot] visual images of the characters to attach to the story, we have RL figures that resemble the characters in the story to follow and love. Fandom is essentially where one can write a play and pick your actors... but that doesn't mean the real people are exactly like the actors.

I guess that's why I never particularly obsess over characterization in fics (and why it's a good thing I don't really write fics!), because, well - the whole situation is fictional. The characterization could be near perfect, but if the WRITING's bad, I won't read it. :/

edit: OH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION DYNAMICS. YES. ALL GOOD PAIRINGS ARE MADE OF DYNAMICS. Like the KangTeuk "I'll support you when you can't support yourself" dynamic, for example, always gets me. They're the kind of opposites that complete each other, just like KiHae. That's also the reason I can't read weird pairings like HyukTeuk or TeukChul (there is just WAY too much vagina in those relationships).

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say to this comment except, yes. .___.

People who don't draw distinctions between characters and actual people, between fantasy and real life - they just confuse and often appall me. (Cough, see crazy JaeHo fans.)

alskdj yes I've noticed most of the pairings I'm in love with are at least one guy/one girly guy (lol Qmi, Kangteuk - but only in crack fics where the stereotypes are funny and not grating). But I really do prefer less vagina, as you put it, in most of my ships - maybe why Kihae is #1. :> Idk, I only pretend to analayze fandom.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Hahaha I'm impressed you took the time to read this.

I forgot which smut fics I flagged as 18+...I think I gave up after some point, lol. But if you want to read those, you can always get around the flag by logging out, clicking "Yes I'm over 18" and reading. Sorry for the hassle though!

[penipenpen.livejournal.com]

The me who is deprived of KiHae.. was directed to this post all of a sudden. XD

The dynamics explained it all.
Dynamics is the word that best describe the relationship existing between these two-- whether its in RL or not and whatever relationship people may think that they have. They balance each other so well. That's why I love them. KiHae ♥

I love your fics.. Especially the KiHae ones. LOL. You are one of my favorite writers.. XDD Swear! ^___________^

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm flattered that someone directed you here - and that you like my Kihae fics. :) Thank you!

[penipenpen.livejournal.com]

well, KiHae directed me here. :D ^^

[czarny.livejournal.com]

Aw this got me a little choked up because it's so honest and I could connect totally with what you're saying. I love Kihae too albeit for different reasons, heck I like anything -hae. :P

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm a pretty big fan of anyone/Hae too, but KiHae is just ridiculously precious to me for some reason, some of which was explained in this post. Thank you for your comment! :)