I still think Jeff would be a cuter kitten but I may be biased

[meitachi]

So sometimes things happen in chat, by which I mean...every time I chat with either swingingstars or forochel, our brains go off in ridiculous directions and we end up chatficcing at each other.

Two sort of stories, cleaned up a little from chat to be readable...ish. I think.


swingingstars: I want Kesler hatefucking all the blackhawks okay
he cleeeeearly wants to
or just fic about how Laddy and Kesler dated and then broke up and then Laddy asked to be traded away to the Thrashers ONLY TO HAVE THE THRASHERS BECOME THE JETS
and now he;s like, great, I wanted to be further away from you and now I'm closer
meiface: hahahaha
it's still pretty far away though...
swingingstars: and then they're stupid boys who pine passive aggressively at each other
meiface: and they're in different conferences!
swingingstars: yeah but only a 2 hr flight!

meiface: Kes calls him in the middle of the night drunk
for a booty call
Laddy hangs up on him
repeat
Laddy is like JFC IT'S STILL A 2 HR FLIGHT
and Kes, drunkenly, is like ISN'T MY ASS WORTH A 2 HR FLIGHT?
I WOULD LET YOU TIE ME DOWN
swingingstars: and when Laddy stops answer the phone Kesler starts sending him sexts
meiface: and Ladd, much to his shame, actually considers it for a second before he's like NO FUCK YOU and hangs up again
hahahaha
yess
badly misspelled sexts
swingingstars: photos of his ass. splayed out on the bed.
meiface: except at a weird angle
so you can barely tell what it is
and then suddenly Laddy gets good pics like Kes is doing a pornshoot
and he's like JFC YOU WENT AND FOUND SOMEONE TO TAKE A PIC OF YOUR ASS FOR YOU?
clearly the nucks are deranged

swingingstars: TO WHICH BIEKSA (the photographer) REPLIES WITH I FUCKING HATE YOU LADDY COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND
and this goes on for like an hour and Laddy still doesnt answer and then Kes finally stops texting.
and Laddy's like UGH FINALLY D;
except then he gets an email from united airlines confirming his fight and hes like SAY WHAT NOW D;
meiface: hahahaha
swingingstars: and Kesler texts with. i miss you.
meiface: at least he didn't have to pay for that
swingingstars: and Laddy makes fun of his forever for it. but secretly he's like a flailing girl pants and loves it

meiface: and like
he sends a mocking vday card
that is over the top lace and hearts and plays music and shit
with ridiculous soppy text
because of course he's mocking Kes for being so needy
except when he writes "DEAREST RYAN I WISH I WERE HOLDING YOU NOW CLOSE TO MY HEART XOXO LADDY "
he kind of means it
swingingstars: and Ryan replies with “fuck you.” and then another picture of his ass.
meiface: with artistic lighting
Bieksa adds his love

swingingstars: (Bieksa is so impressed with his photography skills that afterwards he goes and takes a class)
meiface: (but after he realizes the class doesn't use nude models he drops it)
(like, who needs pictures of fruit and trees and shit?)
swingingstars: (so instead he starts toting his camera around the locker room and taking compromising photos of his teammates - in artistic lighting)
meiface: (Kes continues to lurk in the background of every pic - but artistically now, thanks to Bieksa's awesome skills)
swingingstars: (there are random Laddy lurking in the background too.)
meiface: (but they try not to let those leak to the public, because PR does not want another "why is Andrew Ladd in the Canucks locker room shirtless" debacle)
(yes, another)
swingingstars: (yeah. he accidentally walked into the wrong locker room during a game btwn the jets and canucks....which wasn't until the next night and none of his other teammates were there... only goes so far)
meiface: (on the bright side, Kes is smart enough to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises around his wrists because those are more questions PR would find difficult to answer)
swingingstars: (and the hickeys on his ass. those were a bit harder to cover up because HE'S ALWAYS WALKING AROUND ASS IN THE AIR)

Oh, Keslurker.

P.S. Ladd’s brothers are hilarious. Obnoxious sibling love is the best:

Or then things like this will happen:

forochel: skdljgsg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m28n7vnYNc1qfb46yo1_500.jpg
/convulses
meiface: lmao
i was honestly expecting a Kaner pic
THEREFORE
THERE NEEDS TO BE FIC
WHERE KANER TURNS INTO A KITTEN
AND IS SO ADORABLE TAZER IS TERRIFIED

forochel: HAHAHAHA
YES
KITTYKANER FIC
omg
he'd be
a tiny ball
of
like
fur and adorableness
meiface: :D
forochel: and then
he'd be
a furious ball
of hissiness
when women hit on Tazer
in front of him
meiface: run around in circles
topple everything
generally be obnoxious
but SO CUTE you can't be mad
forochel: exactly
and he'd just worm his way into Tazer's bed
and
curl up on his face
in the way that cats do
meiface: heh

forochel: so Tazer basically wakes up choking on fur
in the middle of the night
the first time that happens he almost tosses Kaner across the room
it's only Kaner's confused and alarmed yowling and his claws digging into Tazer's hand that stop Tazer from releasing his fingers
and he's like
"JESUS FUCK, KANER."
and Kaner's just meowing reproachfully at him
meiface: and then Tazer feels like an ass for yelling at a tiny ball of fluff.
forochel: yeah
and then it annoys him
because this is
like
Kaner
what

KANER
meiface: laskjdflk omg
TINIEST BALL OF FLUFF

forochel: "you can't just sit on my face like that," Tazer tries.
Kaner's jumped off onto his chest now, so he's going kind of cross-eyed looking at Kaner.
Kaner kind of hisses at him, his tiny furry face scrunching up and tongue in full view,
Tazer groans and lets his head thump back onto the pillow.
9:54 PM
meiface: seconds later, there's a fluffy tail whisking over his face
forochel: he sputters and says, "you're fucking impossible, patrick kane."
Kaner mrrrrrs in the smuggest way possible, before turning round in a circle and settling on his chest, a tiny spot of warmth.
forochel: he stares down the length of his nose and chest at the purring ball of fur, and weakly reiterates, "fucking impossible", before drawing the blankets up over Kaner and going back to sleep.
cat Kaner doesn't like cat food.
cat Kaner, ironically, likes sushi.
Johnny can't wait for Kaner to turn back into a human just so he can remind him how much raw fish he ate as a cat.

meiface: cat Kaner also likes to unroll all of Johnny's toilet paper
and bat at plastic bags
forochel: Johnny totally buys Kaner all these cat toys
but in the end Kaner just goes crazy over a plastic bag
he runs into it and starts tearing and rolling around in it frantically
meowing very loudly all the while.
meiface: it's adorable
forochel: Johnny can't stop laughing, and he takes a couple of pictures with his phone.
forochel: when Kaner's gotten himself all tangled up in it he just lies there and gives Johnny the most pathetic look ever.
meiface: but Johnny only moved on to plastic bags after cat Kaner spent hours frolicking through paper bags until he shredded them all
and sat in the middle of the mess in in Johnny's living room looking up at him guilelessly
and meowing to be pet

forochel: "you're fucking lucky you're so fucking cute right now," Johnny grumbles. he lifts Kaner up
and sets him on the sofa
before getting the vacuum cleaner out.
Kaner seriously hates the vacuum cleaner.
meiface: Johnny's going to have a hard time explaining the tiny claw punctures in his leather sofa
"i was catsitting," he imagines telling his mom when she visits and inspects his furniture with a disapproving frown
forochel: HAHAHAHA
meiface: she'd never believe him.
forochel: she'd totally believe him if he told her the truth though
meiface: it's kind of sad, actually.

forochel: anyway, while the vacuum cleaners whining away
kitty Kaner's just buried amongst the couch cushions
ears flattened to his head
tail and paws over his ears
meiface: fur standing on end!
forochel: it's actually pretty adorable, for the defining picture of A Kitten In Anguish
meiface: and that's how Johnny spends the better part of an hour of his saturday afternoon squatting over his carpet picking out shreds of paper bag.
he's not that much of an asshole, seriously, that he'd make a kitten that miserable, even if that kitten is Kaner.
who probably deserves some miserable things in life, if we're talking in the cosmic karma sense.
forochel: when he shuts off the vacuum cleaner Kaner springs off the couch and stalks warily over to it
he circles it from a distance
eyeing it balefully
before trying to attack it
it doesn't really work, but Kaner doesn't give up

meiface: after a while, having deemed the vacuum cleaner satisfactorily cowed into submission, Kaner wanders over to Johnny.
forochel: eeeeeeeeeeee~
and digs his claws into Johnny's toes?
cos that would be great
meiface: alskdjfdkl lmao
okay

forochel: "ow!" Johnny yelps. "motherfucker!"
meiface: i assume that's inner!Kaner making commentary
on MR. TOES
forochel: he tries to shake Kaner off
(also LMAO HAHAHAHA)
but Kaner's a determined asshole and clings on.
meiface: (i think Kaner should develop an inexplicable attachment to Tazer's toes)
forochel: (yes. yes. a million times yes.)
meiface: (and one day Sharpy witnesses this and laughs forever because, he explains to Tazer who is obviously too dim to get it and thinks it's just a weird cat thing, Kaner is obviously still himself. and he's obviously mocking you, mr. toes.)
forochel: HAHAHAHA

forochel: (okay this is going to be in preseason. because I cannot deal with, like, games and shit)
they try taking Kaner kitty ice skating
it's pretty hilarious to see him clicking out onto the ice and then just
sort of
skidding about
making sad mreowring sounds
so in the end Tazer just picks him up and puts Kaner on his head
meiface: klsfjsldgkhd
forochel: Kaner's pretty much purring throughout that
it's really weird to have a vibrating cat on your head
Tazer thinks

meiface: IT’S REALLY WEIRD TO HAVE A VIBRATING CAT ON YOUR HEAD, TAZER THINKS
GOOD THOUGHTS, TAZER, GOOD THOUGHTS.
forochel: he says as much to Sharpy, but only because Sharpy asks,
and then Sharpy just laughs at him and makes gimme hands.
meiface: Sharpy is frolicking about like a princess with cat Kaner, twirling him in circles and stuff
forochel: AWWWWWW
Sharpy would be such a disney prince
oh god
meiface: Tazer thinks irritably Sharpy would make a great disney princess
he's half expecting Kaner to start singing or something
what? Kaner turned into a kitten. weirder things could happen.
he just doesn't think Sharpy should be flinging a tiny kitten around like that. kittens are delicate!
they're young! they're still, like, developing and stuff. (Tazer really doesn't know that much about cats.)

forochel: so he's leaning against the boards with his arms crossed
just
like
glowering
silently
at Sharpy fooling around
andthen seabsie skates up and says, "awwww aren't they cuuuuteee", which is seriously no big help at all, seabsie.

(then more cute shit happens)
(and then:)

forochel: uhhhh
Kaner gets turned back into a human being?
but Tazer's been so used to sleeping with kitty Kaner
that he's like
fuck this
and drives over to Kaner's
and makes Kaner let him sleep with him
and Kaner's secretly like fuck yesssssss and a cuddle monster
meiface: and maybe he still has some of the cat impulses - or at least that's his excuse - when he decides to lick Tazer's neck
i mean, it's right there
and he thinks he gets away with it, Tazer's asleep, and all he does is sort of sigh and resettle into the mattress
but then his eyes are open-- half-open, and he's looking at Kaner.
"did you just lick me?"

forochel: OH BOY
Kaner freezes
"um"
"no?" he tries.
Tazer regards him for a bit.
then he shifts a bit and his hand is in Kaner's hair, fingers scritching a bit, tugging through Kaner's curls.
that feels ... pretty good, actually, and Kaner can't stop himself from arching into the touch a bit, butting his head against Tazer's palm.
Tazer laughs quietly, his breath washing warm over Kaner's face.
"still not over being a cat yet, huh," he says easily.
meiface: Kaner flushes despite himself and hates himself a little for it, hates Tazer a little for it too.
but Tazer is still touching him and it feels good, so Kaner can't even stay mad. it's warm and he's sleepy and everything is just..right. finally.
forochel: "hey," Tazer tugs harder, "don't change back into a cat."
meiface: his voice gets quieter, barely audible. "i'd miss you."
Kaner strains to hear him. "i missed you."
forochel: AWWW, BLESS.
meiface: AND THEN THEY SLEEP
AND IN THE MORNING THEY MAKE OUT
forochel: HURRAH
meiface: AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
forochel: THE END.
cheers
meiface: \o/
forochel: BIRD!


Yeah, apparently I cannot write except when it’s in chat or comment boxes. I wrote some werewolf!Tazer and Stiles!Kaner yesterday! And some other stuff, like Gundam Wing AU Kaner/Tazer and frat AU and a tribute to Jeff Skinner’s thighs.

Maybe one day I’ll produce real fic! Until then I will just keep nudging other people into it. :D

Comments

[rsadelle]

I was literally loling at Bieksa the photographer.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

He is really proud of mastering this art form!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

ME TOO.

Tazer seems more like a dog person. I feel like kitten!Kaner would terrify him for being so tiny and yet so - so havoc-wreaking. And Tazer would want to swear and yell, but oh my god, he's so tiny and what is Tazer supposed to do?!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Eeee so thoughtful, Tazer! And once Kaner turns back into a human and they get together, it only makes sense that he gets an actual cat since he already has all the stuff, except maybe it turns into him-and-Kaner adopting a cat together because, seriously, the cat love Kaner so much and Kaner is over all the time to play with her and take care of her - and, okay, he's over all the time anyway, but Tazer feels like Kaner's over more for the cat than for him.

No, he's not jealous of the cat, why do you ask. :|

[forochel.livejournal.com]

I love how you're writing an epilogue XD

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Awwwww but tropes are the BEST if they end in cuddling and kisses and kittens. ♥ We can sit on this ridiculously soppy trope train together!

[impertinence.livejournal.com]

AHHHHHHH KITTEN KANER OH GOD I AM DEAD OF ADORABLE

[meiface.livejournal.com]

BUT HE WOULD ALSO DESTROY SO MANY THINGS.

lksjfgh everyone should turn into a kitten or puppy at some point just to satisfy my craving for ADORABLE ADORABLE THINGS NEEEED.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

YOU HAVE READ THE KITTEN!JEFF FIC, RIGHT?

ALSO, THERE IS RANDOM KITTEN!JEFF IN MY COMMENTS ALSKDFJK I CANNOT STAND ALL THE ADORABLE KITTENS ARE THE CUTEST.

ALSO, SHARPY WOULD TOTALLY SING WITH DISNEY BIRDS.

/cannot stop capslocking in this fandom, jesus

[forochel.livejournal.com]

it's really weird to have a vibrating cat on your head


almost 24 hours later and I'm still sort of amazed at the sentences my brain comes up with at 4am.


jeff makes the best halloween cat; he's midnight black and clear green eyes. "kitty!" parker crows, when eric comes home with jeff on his shoulder, tail curled round his neck. "up! up!"

eric bends down to pick parker up, and he says "you better not claw my kid," to jeff. jeff makes a weird whiffing noise, like he's scoffing at eric. jeff as a cat is way bitchier than jeff as a human. parker goes quiet when his eyes meet jeff's, and he cautiously puts a hand out to stroke jeff's tiny cat head. jeff purrs and nudges his head further into parker's pudgy palm. parker giggles, and jeff purrs even harder. eric kind of needs to sit down before he melts from all the adorable going on right next to his neck.


(THERE I WROTE YOU JEFF AS A KITTYCAT FIC)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

alskdjflsdjfksjlgk

there is kitten jeff here! (http://impertinence.livejournal.com/599334.html)

BUT THIS HAS PARKER OH MY GOD /EXPLODES

CAN I HAVE A JEFF CAT FOR MY HEAD? :< omgggg.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

OKAY SO WHILE WE''RE TALKING ABOUT CAT FIC


FOOTBALL DIVERSION!! CESC IS A CAT FIC (http://valentinesplay.livejournal.com/1745.html#cutid1) (I secretly have, like, all the feelings about this fic and how Cesc is infantalised in a lot of football fic in general BUT ANYWAY BASICALLY THIS THING IS CRACKED OUT AND THE BEST THING EVER.)


I have read that kitten jeff! but I took your title to mean that you wanted more kitten jeff. BABIES + KITTENS = KITTENS^10


HE WOULD BLEND INTO YOUR HAIR MEI. IF YOUR HAIR WEREN'T DYED.


"down!" parker demands very soon after, "I want down!" eric sighs, ever the slave to his progeny, and bends down to reunite parker with the ground. jeff slithers off his shoulder and onto parker's head as he does so, and parker stands very, very still for a moment, before reaching up to stroke the fur on jeff's flank cautiously. parker's eyes are really big, and eric's about to take jeff away when parker says, "kitty's on my head?" "yeah, buddy, he is." parker blinks rapidly before taking a swift about turn and running into the kitchen.

"mummy! mummy!" he shouts, and eric winces in advance. "mummy there's a kitty on my head!"

eric's contemplating retreating to the shower when tanya raises her voice in that no-nonsense way she has. "ERIC?"

"uh," he says, stopping in the doorway of the kitchen. "there's a very good explanation for this."

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I...don't read for football... (said she who once wrote fic for football).

YES YES MORE KITTEN JEFF ALL THE TIME. EEEEEE. THEY ARE THE CUTEST, SO CUTE SO CUTE.





...I guess this is gen. /o\

[forochel.livejournal.com]

>:


hahaha yeah, sorry; you know my feelings about slashing married men with kids!



"this kitten is jeff skinner," tanya says flatly. she picks jeff up by the scruff of his neck and peers at him. jeff stays obediently quiet, the fucker; if eric had tried to do that he'd have had his eyes scratched out. "okay, I guess stranger things have happened."

"like what?"

"well," tanya pauses, and then she smiles mischievously. "I did marry you."

jeff chooses this moment to sneeze, but it sounds more like he's giggling. eric's life sucks. tanya coos at jeff and sets him back down on the floor. "aren't you a sweetie? well I suppose you are normally anyway."



parker is horribly confused after jeff turns back into a human, during practice.

"kitty?" he asks eric sadly that night. eric knew he should've just told parker the truth, though tanya said that would've been a PR nightmare.

so basically that's how the staal household acquires a pet cat.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

awwwwwwwwww. and also Parker gets really attached to Jeff-the-human and clings to his hand or leg a lot and Eric sort of shrugs helplessly at Jeff, apologetic, but Jeff just laughs and takes it good-naturedly and ends up at Eric's house more often than before, which Tanya doesn't mind because he's sweet-mannered and always smiling.

"If I were five years younger," she teases Eric.

"Oh my god, stop," he says, horrified, and then topples her onto their bed as she laughs.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

\o/


YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU KNOW THOSE FICS WHERE KANER IS INEXPLICABLY SHARPY'S ROAD TRIP EXCEPTION? SKINNER CAN BE ERIC'S ROAD TRIP EXCEPTION.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

UNLESS I KIDNAP HIM FIRST AND HAVE MY WICKED WAY WITH HIM



...um we can pretend I didn't say that if I need plausible deniability later on down the road. :D?

[forochel.livejournal.com]

didn't say what? 8D

[meiface.livejournal.com]

A+

Have a baby nomming a puppy as reward. Or inspiration.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

*_____________________________________*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Side benefit of posting ridiculous chatfic about Kaner as a kitten: getting adorable kittens inn my inbox!! :D :D SO CUTE.

[svmadelyn.livejournal.com]

A Kitten In Anguish GOD STOP

He would be so destructive and magnificent. Mostly the latter.

Kitten!Kaner, Exhibit A:

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahahaha trashtalking kitten!Kaner. He'd totally be gleefully destructive and then use his cute innocent kitty face to get away with it because he knows Tazer can't deal with small cute things, especially ones that purr at him and wind all warm and affection between his ankles.

[poeelektra.livejournal.com]

i would like please to dissolve into sleep, and when i wake, it be to a world where hockey players turn into animals all the time.

(UM, hi from 2 yrs in the future? and thx to forochel for the linkage, DEAR LORD.)

[honeyrue.livejournal.com]

The thought of kitten Kaner makes me want to COMBUST WITH JOY, OH GOD ♥

[meiface.livejournal.com]

He would be the type to form irrational attachments to strange objects. :D

..you know, like Tazer's toes, lol.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

The thought of kitten Kaner makes Tazer want to combust in terror. D:

KITTENS CAN'T PLAY HOCKEY, OH NO. /Tazer's priorities

[herwhereabouts.livejournal.com]

THIS POST IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

KITTENS DO THAT. :D

[iloveyouchicago.livejournal.com]

OMG Kitten!Kaner and Kes sexting Laddy. I may love you!

So damn adorable!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Now if kitten!Kaner could learn to sext - then I would be SUPER impressed. And Tazer would be even more horrified.

[snowrose.livejournal.com]

Kaner as a kitten--hahahaha! :)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed!

[alamerysl]

I am in love with kitten!Kaner who is obsessed with Toews' toes <3

[meiface.livejournal.com]

It is the only kind of kitten Kaner would be!