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"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
Caaaaaaaanes. :') I feel like there's so much I could say here, but I'll leave it at I'm so glad to see them actually starting to develop that chemistry and gelling together as a team, because hopefully that is something that can be sustained and improved. (Whereas now it's the Flyers making me clutch my chest with agony.)
I've been assailed by some questions lately, like what am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life? Oh god, what do I want to be when I grow up? You know, just your regular big-picture philosophical life purpose questions. I struggle a lot with long-term planning and goals; it terrifies me because I don't know and so I end up retreating to manageable, short-term planning and goals. I know logically that step-by-step is not inherently a terrible thing and is often recommended as a way to deal with life on a daily basis that doesn't overwhelm, but I'm still struck at times with the idea that I need, should, ought to be dreaming bigger and planning bigger.
I think sometimes that these ideas are the remnants of growing up the equivalent of a big fish in a small pond - not that I was all-that and deep-fried Oreos as a kid, but I lived up to your typical Asian-American child at that age, focused on school and performing well academically, and while I was far from brilliant, I was consistently able to stay near the head of the class then. But as other Asian-American writers and articles about Tiger Moms have, I'm sure, addressed, the emphasis placed on academics often comes at the cost of development and success in other areas of life. Also, it's misleading. You move into bigger and bigger ponds and you realize there are other brilliant people, other hard-working people, other people who are as good or better than you at not only other aspects of life, but at the aspects of life you were specifically told to focus on and that you were great at.
I'm making this sound like a much bigger deal than it is because, honestly, it was not a particularly traumatic realization for me. I've gradually made my peace with knowing that I am average in many, many ways. That's not necessarily to say I'm not good at anything, but perhaps not extraordinary. And so what? I may be good at these few things; there are other people who are good those other things. I may be full of feelings, a contradiction in terms of what I like and what I need and want, but who isn't? It makes us, for that nebulously quantifiable and ill-definable word, "normal". It makes us average.
The point being I know I'm average and I'm okay with that, but there are lingering parts of me that remember being told that I am full of so much potential, that I have the capability of being and doing so much more, and so I should work harder, do more, be more. (Thanks, parents!) And that's not a bad thing either, to have big expectations to fulfill. I don't think you should just accept the failure or weaknesses and then make no move to improve from there; progress demands effort, after all. But I think where I struggle is finding the balance between pushing yourself to improve yourself and not settle, and knowing when to be happy with what you have and who you are without constantly seeking change because you feel like you ought to.
Basically, where do you draw the fine line between stagnating and stability?
My closest guess for now (and something I'm still working on acting on) is that if I pursue change because I, personally, want to and would get satisfaction from the results, then that is a good thing. Whereas pursuing change simply because of external pressures, societal or familial (which can serve as necessary catalysts at times, but not always), will probably not serve my personal growth in any meaningful way.
All this really comes down to: so how I do I feel about my job right now? How do I feel about my depth of knowledge? How do I feel about actively pursuing a relationship? How do I feel about my engagement with life?
Attempting to break down the big-picture philosophical life purpose questions into more manageable ones.
I've been assailed by some questions lately, like what am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life? Oh god, what do I want to be when I grow up? You know, just your regular big-picture philosophical life purpose questions. I struggle a lot with long-term planning and goals; it terrifies me because I don't know and so I end up retreating to manageable, short-term planning and goals. I know logically that step-by-step is not inherently a terrible thing and is often recommended as a way to deal with life on a daily basis that doesn't overwhelm, but I'm still struck at times with the idea that I need, should, ought to be dreaming bigger and planning bigger.
I think sometimes that these ideas are the remnants of growing up the equivalent of a big fish in a small pond - not that I was all-that and deep-fried Oreos as a kid, but I lived up to your typical Asian-American child at that age, focused on school and performing well academically, and while I was far from brilliant, I was consistently able to stay near the head of the class then. But as other Asian-American writers and articles about Tiger Moms have, I'm sure, addressed, the emphasis placed on academics often comes at the cost of development and success in other areas of life. Also, it's misleading. You move into bigger and bigger ponds and you realize there are other brilliant people, other hard-working people, other people who are as good or better than you at not only other aspects of life, but at the aspects of life you were specifically told to focus on and that you were great at.
I'm making this sound like a much bigger deal than it is because, honestly, it was not a particularly traumatic realization for me. I've gradually made my peace with knowing that I am average in many, many ways. That's not necessarily to say I'm not good at anything, but perhaps not extraordinary. And so what? I may be good at these few things; there are other people who are good those other things. I may be full of feelings, a contradiction in terms of what I like and what I need and want, but who isn't? It makes us, for that nebulously quantifiable and ill-definable word, "normal". It makes us average.
The point being I know I'm average and I'm okay with that, but there are lingering parts of me that remember being told that I am full of so much potential, that I have the capability of being and doing so much more, and so I should work harder, do more, be more. (Thanks, parents!) And that's not a bad thing either, to have big expectations to fulfill. I don't think you should just accept the failure or weaknesses and then make no move to improve from there; progress demands effort, after all. But I think where I struggle is finding the balance between pushing yourself to improve yourself and not settle, and knowing when to be happy with what you have and who you are without constantly seeking change because you feel like you ought to.
Basically, where do you draw the fine line between stagnating and stability?
My closest guess for now (and something I'm still working on acting on) is that if I pursue change because I, personally, want to and would get satisfaction from the results, then that is a good thing. Whereas pursuing change simply because of external pressures, societal or familial (which can serve as necessary catalysts at times, but not always), will probably not serve my personal growth in any meaningful way.
All this really comes down to: so how I do I feel about my job right now? How do I feel about my depth of knowledge? How do I feel about actively pursuing a relationship? How do I feel about my engagement with life?
Attempting to break down the big-picture philosophical life purpose questions into more manageable ones.
no subject
i mean i guess you can change in other parts of your life that is not your work life, though a lot of ideas of success or whatever are culturally tied to the career. in asian parents' minds.
no subject
I'm not necessarily unhappy with my job, but I also don't want to stagnate, so I think this is one way to go about that. And it certainly won't hurt me when I eventually change jobs.
Definitely true on Asian parents - academics then career are the defining blocks of success. Once you've attained those (and financial stability with it, of course), then the emphasis shifts onto family, i.e., kids. Oh progeny.
no subject
Sounds like maybe change is coming your way. Enjoy the ride!
no subject
I guess some things you never really "grow out of", including questioning the big things in (and meaning of) life.
I guess as long as you are alive there is room to grow !
This is a great way to think about it though! I'm definitely going to have to remind myself of that. :)
no subject
You make really cogent, thoughtful points about the realization of potential as you grow up. I was always the driven, academically gifted and well-rounded student with Asian parents. But now that I'm at a university full of brilliant and innovative and incredibly talented people, I realize that I am simply average. When I read Blake or Defoe or Ishiguro, I realize how simplistic and ordinary my writing is.
And it's not a bad thing, necessarily, because I'm pretty good at most things, I'm just not "extraordinary" in any sense (Sungmin somehow pops into mind when writing this). I guess the most . . . unpleasant aspect of this realization is the loss of the galvanizing force of that potential, the confidence and dreams we have as children, with our naivety, that we will excel and awe the world with our talent. I guess it's a part of growing up, and it goes along with realizing that I may never be an astronaut or a superstar or the next big actress, but the shelving of dreams that others have encouraged in childhood, deeming us to have potential in these areas - acknowledging that these dreams are, realistically, just that, are the hardest.
. . . and my God, that was long and tangential, but when I saw your post I just had to sit down and parse through my thoughts about it.
no subject
I'm glad I made some sense to you! A lot of these posts, when not fandom related, start with my stream of conscious thought-vomiting and eventually some sort of structure or point emerges. The title is quite accurate in that respect.
Though you also provide an equally succinct analogy: TL;DR Most of us our Sungmins within SJ life and that's okay. (He really is a fitting analogy though.) (I don't have an icon of him so one of Kyuhyun will do.)
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Haha I would I could articulate my thoughts for poli sci and history essays as easily as I can talk about fandom/meta/existential philosophy. But yeah, eventually, after a mass of rambling and incoherency, something clicks and things start making sense.
Poor Sungmin. I think there was a recent interview where Kyuhyun said something about how Sungmin is average at everything but excellent at nothing? And that's really admirable, but I wonder if sometimes he's a little depressed/hurt by that judgment.
Oh and DID YOU HEAR the (so-called) a capella version of Me (Mi)? ALSfaaldsljkh so preeeeeeeeetty. And on another note of prettiness, have you watched the Lizzie Bennet Diaries at all? it's amazing and I'm totally hooked. (:
no subject
But I know SJM finally had their official debut on a Korean music stage and MIMI AND HENRY GOT CHEERS ♥♥♥ and apparently they even sang in Chinese? Which I was truly surprised by, considering SJM had just released a Korean version of Breakdown. I have to go watch that today and flail all over.
I've heard of LBD but never seen it. For some reason, although Pride & Prejudice is one of my favorite books, I've never been much interested in adaptations for it (whereas I love Sherlock Holmes canon and all adaptations).
(Also, I keep thinking "little black dress"? every time I see LBD used lol.)
no subject
YAY! I'm so glad that they got cheers, I remember that awful video where Mimi was crying in Shanghai(?) and now he's on a Korean music stage. He and Henry deserve this so much. <3
I was kinda eh towards LBD too at first, but it's actually quite good, and I think it does a good job highlighting that Elizabeth and Darcy were both flawed, one with pride and the other with prejudice. (Sherlock is so good, but the RDJ/JL is still my favorite Holmes/Watson dynamic).
It's Kyuhyun's birthday soon! Write some Qmi fic pleeeeeeeease? (:
no subject
I enjoyed the RDJ/JL movie adaptations too! Really I am easy. :D
When I'm less exhausted, I will try to write up my Philly trip + the game. Oh hockey, stop taking over all my free time!