in which I emulate Jesse Eisenberg, minus cats, plus some skirts

[meitachi]

Fannish things that continue to make me happy: Elementary! Jesse Eisenberg and his face! (And interviews and writings.) Georgette Heyer! My brief tour back through Tim/Kon.

Things which make me sad or upset and that I'm generally avoiding: sports! Because hockey and football deny me happiness, and I used up all my feelings for the Blues. I'm keeping vague tabs on the NBA playoffs now, and I'm looking forward to the World Cup.

I need a break from social media because I can't deal with the sports or the intense Marvel feelings (as I have none and am somewhat sick of Sebastian Stan's face). The other day I reread my own Free! fic and was charmed that my writing wasn't as awful as I remembered it to be! And then I missed writing, but I doubt it will be for Free! again because that fandom's bitter shipwars tainted everything about it that was fun for me.

April dragged on too long and May is passing quicker, but it got too damned hot too fast. I'm also still allergic to the outdoors, thank you, pollen.

I love the excuse to wear dresses and skirts everywhere (fuck pants!) but have consequently also run headlong into more wearisome girl worries: Am I pretty enough? Do I need to wear makeup? Am I too dressy for this event? What if everyone else is wearing jeans? Do people think I'm some kind of prissy little princess? I want to wear heels but it's a casual event, so are they too dressy? I guess I'll go with flats. I'm into sports now and not as much geeky scifi stuff, am I fake geek girl? Am I a geek at all? I don't like comics or video games and I don't have time for anime anymore. I was totally nerdy when I was growing up, so did I grow too mainstream? Is that bad? Is that good? I can still talk politics and news, so that saves me, right? Even though I don't read Pulitzer winning books! But I don't watch all the hot pop culture TV shows like Game of Thrones so I'm not really in the know there either. I used to be all about kpop, but now I barely know anything! Is there anything I know really well? Sure, sports, kind of, but does that make me too shallow?

I see why people almost go out of their way to seek labels, because it helps define expectations and you can therefore feel more comfortable in conforming or knowing where specifically you are choosing to not conform. But it helps set boundaries, at least.

Whatever, we are legion, we have multitudes inside of us, etc.

For the most part, I'm happy with who I am without having to label everything. But sometimes I field a lot of excessive fretting from my brain. Thanks, brain. I never thought, as a kid, i'd grow up into someone into the stereotypically feminine stuff -- make up, dresses, heels -- but also into the mainstream stuff -- celeb gossip, sports. But apparently even when you do end up fitting in with the mainstream to some extent, you worry instead about not fitting in with what you used to be, quiet and nerdy and watching anime and reading endless Nancy Drew and thinking Prince of Tennis would really teach you about the sport. There's no winning with your self-esteem issues and neuroses, apparently.

WHATEVER. I WANT CATS.

Comments

[meritjubet.livejournal.com]

It can be hard sometimes. I know when I was studying law (endless emotion sucker that it was) I drifted away from things for a few years and wondered if I was truly a fangirl. I tried to just enjoy things, but you know, evil brains. I've started going back to doing more fannish things lately and it is fun! And sometimes I do get stuck of performing femininity, because it always felt comfy for me and then femininity is sometimes held up as bad thing, so more evil brain time.

Well if it helps I'm checking out a kitty this afternoon and I will post pics so you can live through the adoption? If she likes us!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I WOULD LOVE PICS OF A KITTY. :D And I wish you a successful adoption! Two cats! I envy you, though when I get around to it, I will of course have to start out with just one. And the boy loves dogs so I suspect at least one dog. :)

Yeah, brains are evil and overthinking and self-guessing is awful, especially when these things hardly matter at the end of the day! Just wrestling with the doubt and fear of lacking credibility because, dang, we do what we do and we do it well. Whatever it is!

[chaos-harmony.livejournal.com]

GAH, I empathize with so many of your girl neuroses, especially the label-seeking/avoidance business (like, in different ways, obviously, since you and I are different people with different interests/hobbies/etc., but the core of the issue is there!). There are many, many things I want to say, but in an effort not to make your journal All About Me, I'm just going to settle for vigorous Internet nodding. :P

[meiface.livejournal.com]

It all goes back to our identity issues, I think (what doesn't?) and the need for labels to help define what or who we are. When we're unsure about that -- oh, neuroses. Am I too much this or not enough that? The inability to meet defined parameters leaves a lack of clarity and certainty. :(

And of course the perception by other people. We have I think grown into adults who can mostly handle brushing off other people's opinions, and be proud and confident in ourselves, but sometimes those creeping worries... Well, they're pesky.