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what are we doing here
I don't know where to put longform thoughts anymore (besides my actual journal, which I do still use daily). Twitter is a hellhole I've largely escaped. Instagram is still too much work/RL folks.
The weekend in St. Louis was hard but also good; my FIL lingers despite not having eaten anything in over a week. It is really a slow fade, and in some ways that is more painful and hard because it drags on, no one can make future plans, no one can move on. Grieving has begun and will continue, but we are grieving someone still technically here -- but not, as he's slowly becoming less communicative, less responsive. I cried when I said goodbye on Monday because he was so glad to see me, weak as he was, and Kevin tells me now he kind of really started to fade after I left, almost as if he could let himself go because he had seen everyone he had wanted to: his two boys, and me. Kevin and his mom joke he loves me more than he loves Kevin, but they also say he does have a special place in his heart for me, and that I allow him to be emotional in a way he isn't with them. And I am glad that I could be that for him, and for them, especially during this time where it is so hard and even more important to know that -- there is love, and gratitude, for the time we've had together and for what lies in the future.
I came back to Houston last Monday, had two difficult days of work (resenting everything that led me that point and resolving that I will leave the job after Tiger Ball in March no matter what), and took two days off. Thursday was good: cleaning, chores, errands, a lunch out. Friday, I did go to Austin with a friend and enjoyed the Texas Book Festival this weekend. It was a blessing, a much-needed break, to be with a friend and think about books, food, panel discussions, while walking around dreaming of opening our own bookstore in Houston one day, one that is AAPI-focused.
But coming home, there is still a lot of uncertainty to confront: how much longer will Kevin be out at St. Louis? Am I going out there next week for Thanksgiving as planned, or do I fly in earlier? I have yet another major work event this week. Pet care needs to be arranged for. Flights need to be booked or canceled. We talked tonight and made a tentative plan, but things will remain in flux for a couple more days yet.
I feel disconnected from larger global events, but also horrified, heartbroken, for the horrors I know are happening. I feel disconnected from work and the larger mission and many of my coworkers; thankfully, at the same time, I do have really sweet and good individual relationships with many of my other managers who care about me as a person and friend.
I feel disconnected from hockey this season, but am enjoying F1 (and Max, and Daniel, and this strange parasocial relationship where we refer to these people by their first names and they do so much fan media content). But the latter is ending soon and I don't know what I will hyperfixate on during winter break to help me cope.
I have so many lovely things I'd like to read -- even a few shows I'd like to watch (Only Murders in the Building S3, Shoresy S2) -- so maybe I'll find time for those.
The weekend in St. Louis was hard but also good; my FIL lingers despite not having eaten anything in over a week. It is really a slow fade, and in some ways that is more painful and hard because it drags on, no one can make future plans, no one can move on. Grieving has begun and will continue, but we are grieving someone still technically here -- but not, as he's slowly becoming less communicative, less responsive. I cried when I said goodbye on Monday because he was so glad to see me, weak as he was, and Kevin tells me now he kind of really started to fade after I left, almost as if he could let himself go because he had seen everyone he had wanted to: his two boys, and me. Kevin and his mom joke he loves me more than he loves Kevin, but they also say he does have a special place in his heart for me, and that I allow him to be emotional in a way he isn't with them. And I am glad that I could be that for him, and for them, especially during this time where it is so hard and even more important to know that -- there is love, and gratitude, for the time we've had together and for what lies in the future.
I came back to Houston last Monday, had two difficult days of work (resenting everything that led me that point and resolving that I will leave the job after Tiger Ball in March no matter what), and took two days off. Thursday was good: cleaning, chores, errands, a lunch out. Friday, I did go to Austin with a friend and enjoyed the Texas Book Festival this weekend. It was a blessing, a much-needed break, to be with a friend and think about books, food, panel discussions, while walking around dreaming of opening our own bookstore in Houston one day, one that is AAPI-focused.
But coming home, there is still a lot of uncertainty to confront: how much longer will Kevin be out at St. Louis? Am I going out there next week for Thanksgiving as planned, or do I fly in earlier? I have yet another major work event this week. Pet care needs to be arranged for. Flights need to be booked or canceled. We talked tonight and made a tentative plan, but things will remain in flux for a couple more days yet.
I feel disconnected from larger global events, but also horrified, heartbroken, for the horrors I know are happening. I feel disconnected from work and the larger mission and many of my coworkers; thankfully, at the same time, I do have really sweet and good individual relationships with many of my other managers who care about me as a person and friend.
I feel disconnected from hockey this season, but am enjoying F1 (and Max, and Daniel, and this strange parasocial relationship where we refer to these people by their first names and they do so much fan media content). But the latter is ending soon and I don't know what I will hyperfixate on during winter break to help me cope.
I have so many lovely things I'd like to read -- even a few shows I'd like to watch (Only Murders in the Building S3, Shoresy S2) -- so maybe I'll find time for those.