Entry tags:
29. by now you should've realized what you gotta do
I love it when you're happy. :)
My mom's back from China now and just hearing her voice on the phone last night reminds me how much I miss her and my family. It also reminds me how much I have to be grateful for. How much harder I should be trying.
I was talking with![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beijing about how I've lost some interest in continuing Korean and have found some interest in rekindling my four years of high school Spanish - greatly influenced, I admit, by the change in "fandoms" of this summer. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I used to be exposed to Korean every day with two semesters of classes but have found little reason to continue it this summer, which explains some of the flagging interest. The class schedule for continuing my study for it in the fall also fucks up the rest of my law schedule... As for Spanish, I'm dismayed but unsurprised to find that I can barely understand it by ear and struggle to piece together what's being said when written. But when I know (either from Google Translate or by context) what is being said, I can still match up the right words and can see the sentence structures come together. So that's something, I guess. ...I will not comment on the once-again dying state of my Chinese skills. I honestly think part of me has just given up.
Related to that, I've been reconsidering a lot of things recently, including whether or not I even want to marry a Chinese husband. I'm less inclined; currently leaning more towards a "white guy" (how stereotypical), possibly with Spanish or Portuguese blood (because, yes, footballers have realigned my perspective and turned it from being quite so Asia-centric). The languages are beautiful and, really, I want to learn to genuinely appreciate non-Asian cultures beyond a superficial level. I'm not nearly as cultured or learned as I think I am sometimes. (But our world rewards specialization despite society's demands that we learn or appreciate broadly; ironic, maybe.)
I'm also reconsidering whether or not I even want to marry, point blank, or have children. I always assumed marriage and kids were something I wanted - for a while, they were, and maybe they still are...in a very theoretical way. In actuality I'm not quite as sure if I want that significant other to spend the rest of my life undoubtedly fighting with; I just can't picture "loving" (I also have trouble defining that sort of "love"; I love my family and friends freely, but "romantic love" is supposed to be different, we are told) someone to the degree of committing to them forever, to also have kids/a house/a future with. But I'm just not so big on commitment and compromise generally right now, I guess; I'm having enough problems trying to commit to what I want to do at school or after school and that's not even for "the rest of my life" like marriage would be. Honestly, I like the hypothetical ideal of romance/true love/someone to laugh with and cuddle with and all those other tropes, but only in my head. Reality is a lot less interesting to me.
Also, kids... I still appreciate adorable babies and cute kids but the idea of having to bear them and raise them and be responsible for them? I was more okay with this a year ago than I am now. Am I regressing? Maybe my biological clock is ticking backwards...
I'm told that I'm young but I don't know what that means. I always feel too old and too young at the same time; that I haven't lived long enough or that I've already grown and changed so much, yet I still don't know how life works, or what I want from it.
But to take a step back from all this overthinking (which is admittedly the reason for the hiatus), I am both excited and apprehensive to see how I will do with following and caring about club football.
My mom's back from China now and just hearing her voice on the phone last night reminds me how much I miss her and my family. It also reminds me how much I have to be grateful for. How much harder I should be trying.
I was talking with
beijing about how I've lost some interest in continuing Korean and have found some interest in rekindling my four years of high school Spanish - greatly influenced, I admit, by the change in "fandoms" of this summer. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I used to be exposed to Korean every day with two semesters of classes but have found little reason to continue it this summer, which explains some of the flagging interest. The class schedule for continuing my study for it in the fall also fucks up the rest of my law schedule... As for Spanish, I'm dismayed but unsurprised to find that I can barely understand it by ear and struggle to piece together what's being said when written. But when I know (either from Google Translate or by context) what is being said, I can still match up the right words and can see the sentence structures come together. So that's something, I guess. ...I will not comment on the once-again dying state of my Chinese skills. I honestly think part of me has just given up.Related to that, I've been reconsidering a lot of things recently, including whether or not I even want to marry a Chinese husband. I'm less inclined; currently leaning more towards a "white guy" (how stereotypical), possibly with Spanish or Portuguese blood (because, yes, footballers have realigned my perspective and turned it from being quite so Asia-centric). The languages are beautiful and, really, I want to learn to genuinely appreciate non-Asian cultures beyond a superficial level. I'm not nearly as cultured or learned as I think I am sometimes. (But our world rewards specialization despite society's demands that we learn or appreciate broadly; ironic, maybe.)
I'm also reconsidering whether or not I even want to marry, point blank, or have children. I always assumed marriage and kids were something I wanted - for a while, they were, and maybe they still are...in a very theoretical way. In actuality I'm not quite as sure if I want that significant other to spend the rest of my life undoubtedly fighting with; I just can't picture "loving" (I also have trouble defining that sort of "love"; I love my family and friends freely, but "romantic love" is supposed to be different, we are told) someone to the degree of committing to them forever, to also have kids/a house/a future with. But I'm just not so big on commitment and compromise generally right now, I guess; I'm having enough problems trying to commit to what I want to do at school or after school and that's not even for "the rest of my life" like marriage would be. Honestly, I like the hypothetical ideal of romance/true love/someone to laugh with and cuddle with and all those other tropes, but only in my head. Reality is a lot less interesting to me.
Also, kids... I still appreciate adorable babies and cute kids but the idea of having to bear them and raise them and be responsible for them? I was more okay with this a year ago than I am now. Am I regressing? Maybe my biological clock is ticking backwards...
I'm told that I'm young but I don't know what that means. I always feel too old and too young at the same time; that I haven't lived long enough or that I've already grown and changed so much, yet I still don't know how life works, or what I want from it.
But to take a step back from all this overthinking (which is admittedly the reason for the hiatus), I am both excited and apprehensive to see how I will do with following and caring about club football.