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Introducing Clark Kane/Superkaner. Superpower: shufflin.
This is the greatest video in the world.
My favorite part is how Tazer's says, dead seriously the way he does, "It's a nice shirt, it looks good on him," and everyone else is like, "No, god, that's a terrible shirt."
TAZER, YOU HAVE NO TASTE. THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Kaner, for example. I mean, seriously, Tazer is the Most Judgmental. Here he is judging New Yorkers for eating hot dogs (and then running away from pigeons), and when asked if he has any NHL superstitions, he's all, hell no, because they're STUPID. Kaner is like this glaring exception of terrible life choices that Tazer seems unable to see properly. Or maybe he does see all of Kaner's failings, mocks him for them, but is stupidly in love with him anyway because he has no taste.
Tazer, do you judge yourself a little bit? I figure he totally does but he can't help it anyway.
Sharpy's "oh my god" is also pretty glorious as is Soupy being totally dazed with horror. Ugh, I'm sad I got into the Hawks after he left - from all the interviews (especially with Joey the Junior Reporter), he seems like a really great guy and hilarious too.
Whatever. Haters gonna hate but Kaner's gonna just keep shufflin'.
So
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deepsix posted a gif of Kaner's mouth:
nicolasechs: UGH KANER'S MOUTHHE IS A FUCKING COCKTEASE IS WHAT HE IS
meiface: YESTHAT MOUTH HAUNTS TAZER'S DREAMS
but he totally sees it as a weakness that he just has to EXERCISE MORE CONTROL OVER
nicolasechs: but now that he has all this downtime due to his concussion (which makes him SO frustrated but there's nothing he can do about it, and coach Q specifically told him to stop worrying so much), his thoughts keep drifting to Kaner's mouthespecially the way his mouthguard dangles from the corner after he scored that goal against the Rangers
and how red and spit-shiny it looked
meiface: seriously, that thing's a hazard and Kaner should know better. he DOES know better and it drives Tazer crazy that he still does it. because it's dangerous, of course.Kaner never learns. it's like how he should know better than to go out and get wasted and up to drunken antics when he knows everyone's got a camera phone these days.
Tazer could really live without all those pictures of Kaner out looking like he's having the time of his life without Tazer
nicolasechs: GOD KANER YOU'RE SUCH A BAD BOYFRIENDespecially when tazer is feeling like he's the worst captain in the world. it's his 12th game out for the hawks, and even if the hawks manage to get into the playoffs, who knows who tazer will be back out on the ice, leading the line. he has to get better soon, HAS TO. cue angsty crying into the pillow and eating of ice cream straight from the carton
meiface: and then kaner comes over and is like, whoa, dude, what happened to you?and tazer's feeling kind of put out, justifiably, so he's like WHATEVER, IT'S YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE. except probably less shouty and more sulky and pissed.
and kaner's like, man, i know missing all these games is tough on you, and then he's strangely sympathetic and understanding in a really bizarre and unexpected way, because he gets it, he does, except that's not what tazer's mad about at all
nicolasechs: and tazer starts yelling at kaner about going out all the time and hasn't he learned anything from the post-cup debacles last time? and kaner thinks that tazer is totally out of line, "i'm not a fucking rookie anymore! i've really stepped up to the plate, okay?!" and then maybe they shove each other a little but not too hard b/c concussion and they somehow end up toppled onto the couch, with kaner on top of tazer, bracketing him with his thighsmeiface: THIIIIIIIIIGHStazer totally doesn't mean to get hard but he can't help staring at kane's mouth, which is red from where he's been biting it as tazer yells and now it's half-open as kaner pants on top of him and fuck.
nicolasechs: (UGH SO TORN, DOES TAZER GO FOR IT OR DOES HE REPRESS, REPRESS, REPRESS SOME MORE?)meiface: (REPRESS! HE HASN'T ACCEPTED HIS FEELINGS YET. PLUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS UST)nicolasechs: (OKAY THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SADISTIC. I'M GLAD YOU'RE WITH ME)nicolasechs: tazer shoves kaner off of him. he can't - this can't happen right now. not when kaner needs to have his head screwed on straight for the rest of the regular season. he gets up gingerly (HAI ERECTION) and avoids looking at kaner as he says, "sorry. you're right, it's not my business. you should probably leave now." and kaner is so relieved (and disappointed) that tazer didn't notice that his own erection that he hightails it out of there. it's not until he gets back to his own place that he remembers to get angry at tazer.meiface: because, seriously, he gets that tazer's frustrated by missing games and that his recovery's not as fast as he'd like, but there's no need to take it out on kaner.and so what if he picks up sometimes, he's frustrated too and this is how he deals with it. it's normal. orgasms are totally scientifically proven to be good stress relief. maybe tazer needs to have some orgasms, he's been wound so fucking tight lately.
nicolasechs: in fact, kaner feels like one right now. so what if he's jerking himself off to the feel of tazer's thighs underneath him and the thought of grinding his erection against tazer's abs? that's what tazer gets for being so fucking judgmentalnicolasechs: (YOU TELL HIM, YOU TELL HIM GOOD IN YOUR MASTURBATORY FANTASIES KANER)meiface: (YES ILU KANER)nicolasechs: (WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, MEI? HOCKEY PLOTTING IS HARD.)meiface: (IKR I'M ALSO DISTRACTED BY TV ummm)meiface: but then kaner feels kind of bad since tazer IS all laid up and at least kaner gets to play, even if he's not playing as well as he'd like. so he figures he'll drop by the next day with a six-pack and a dvd.but tazer still seems kind of off and shifty. he won't meet kaner's eyes half the time and mutters when he bothers to reply to kaner's cheerful stream of chatter. like, dude, is he still pissed? kaner puts up with it for half the movie before he gets annoyed and nudges tazer's knee with his own where they're sitting next to each other on the couch.
nicolasechs: "what's with you, man? i thought die hard was your favorite movie." tazer shakes his head, "no, it's not that - it's just - " and then he gets this constipated look on his face. "never mind." pat decides to let it go for both their sakes and decides to lighten the mood by jokingly sliding his arm along the back of the sectional until they're almost touching tazer's shoulders. to his surprise, though, tazer doesn't seem to notice (or comment) and actually leans into his touch.meiface: (completely unrelated, do either of them have tattoos?)nicolasechs: (oooh, lemme check)(ugh, i can totally imagine patrick kaner having something douchetastic like chinese characters he doesn't understand, OR A TRAMP STAMP)
meiface: (YES AND TAZER'S LIKE, THAT'S SO STUPID, BUT YET HE REALLY WANTS TO PUT HIS MOUTH ON IT)nicolasechs: (AND TRACE ALL THE LINES AND WHORLS ACROSS HIS SPINE AND JUST OVER THE TOP OF HIS ASS)nicolasechs: so, according to puckling, who is very knowledgeable about these things, no tats for either of them. but i say we just stick a giant tat on kaner anywaymeiface: (and kaner's making all these whining noises into the pillow and it's driving tazer crazy)meiface: plot premise: Patrick Kane gets drunk and gets a tattoo. Jonathan Toews finds it hot.meiface: i think my personal canon is basically kaner makes inadvisable life decisions and tazer judges him (he's a judgey person) but still finds him really inexplicably attractiveand so tazer judges himself too
nicolasechs: ha! yay plot! we are horrible at getting from point A to point B. point B being lots and lots of hot sex.and yes on the inadvisable tattoo, esp. since it must playing practice the next day painful as FUCK
meiface: and tazer's there, of course, because he can at least skate during practice even if he's not cleared for contact yetand he's like, "what's wrong? why are you moving like that?"
nicolasechs: OMG WHAT IF TAZER GETS THE WRONG IDEA AND HE THINKS THAT KANER JUST GOT FUCKED TOO HARD LAST NIGHT AND THAT'S WHY HE'S MOVING SO GINGERLYCUE SAFE AND SANE BUTT SEX LECTURE FROM TAZER
meiface: YESSSSBITTERLY JEALOUS INSIDE
BUT HIDING IT AS BEST HE CAN
CAN'T HELP MAKING A SNARKY COMMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SEX LECTURE ABOUT HOW KANER'S EXPANDED HIS HORIZONS TO INCLUDE GUYS
and kaner is like what the FUCK. first of all, NO, you're wrong. and second of all, it could've been a girl. and third of all FUCK YOU.
nicolasechs: and then there is shirtless kaner and tazer sees the tattoo (this is after the bandage comes off) and his mouth just gets dry and he has to go into a private shower stall and gets himself off in like 2 minutesUGH, WHY SUCH A FAILBOAT, TAZER
just push kaner down and fuck him until he cries okay?
meiface: no no first he has to lick that tattoo all over until kaner's nearly out of his mind and beggingand swearing at him for being an asshole
and THEN tazer will fuck kaner until he cries
(because kaner cries at everything, he's an emotional guy)
nicolasechs: and tazer totally makes fun of him because tazer's cock is that good that it made him cry. but kaner points out that tazer's the one who's spooning the hell out of him.they're just the WORST
meiface: and then they live happily ever after with lots of sex and bickering forever And then I had another conversation with
forochel where I observed that Tazer calls everyone "buddy" all the time and she speculated that he made a special effort to call Kaner "buddy" because otherwise he'd slip up and call him "babe".forochel: babewhen he's drunk, he totally calls kaner babe
meiface: OH GODLET'S WRITE THAT
forochel: YESfive times kaner passed it off as 'tazer's drunk' and one time he stopped and was like 'um wait, what.'
but tazer takes it seriously
meiface: eeeeand at least a few times kaner does it back
bc he thinks it's a joke
and tazer's drunk
so tazer's like, hey babe pass me that beer
and kaner's like, hahaha sure HONEY
and tazer's all beams and drapes himself all over kaner
forochel: lskdjglajsdg and everyone's like awwwww look at them they're so marriedand tazer's in his happy place
forochel: I want there to be one timewhere, like
tazer totally crowds kaner into a corner, and he's leaning over him, arm braced over kaner's head or something
and he's breathing hot against kaner's face and kaner can smell the alcohol, which, well, it should be gross
but it's actually really hot
meiface: they are so hot for each othereven sloppy drunk
forochel: and kaner's like, just caught there, and he can't make himself move, even this has got to look so gay and he really hopes this doesn't end up on deadspin. tazer would be so mad.he can't think straight, obviously, since tazer is actively participating in this madness.
actively propagating it, even.
but tazer's also breathing on him and leaning up over him and just, staring at him.
meiface: yummmmmforochel: then tazer's leaning down and kaner can barely stop himself from squeaking, because what is even happening, but then he just knocks their foreheads gently together and.okay, the squeak is still forthcoming, because this just means that tazer's breathing on kaner's lips now and kaner is so fucking confused, he has either had too many or too few beers to deal with this.
meiface: he tries to laugh it off, awkwardly. "hey, back up, buddy."but then tazer puts his hand on kaner's thigh.
forochel: omg, omg, omgokay, kaner's dick is definitely not confused, but unlike what other people think he doesn't think only with his dick.
"hey, babe," tazer breathes back, and that is just goddamn unfair.
he's not even speaking in a monotone. kaner might be able to handle it, but there's, like, actual intent there.
meiface: (OMG I BET KANER IS LIKE ??? IS HE PLAYING GAY CHICKEN?? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS??)forochel: (OH GOD YES)and -- hold on, wait, wait. is this gay chicken? because kaner can do that. this has to be gay chicken. there is no other explanation.
so he sort of leans up, braces his hands on tazer's chest, and -- whoa, tazer's pupils are actually dilating. he's really drunk.
"hey, buddy," kaner says again, scooting back a bit, and -- um, tazer is totally pouting, what the fuck. no one else would probably be able to tell, but he is.
meiface: okay, fine, kaner can do this. so he leans back in and breathes, "what's up, sweetheart. you wanna go somewhere quieter?"forochel: ... wow, if kaner actually is that sweet in real life, he should pull a lot more often than fandom thinks he does. just saying XDmeiface: but he's playing gay chicken!!and he's saying it in a really greasy tone
forochel: this is true! oh kaner, you fail so muchyou can only be smooth whilst playing gay chicken.
meiface: bc he thinks it's a gamebut tazer is like, starry-eyed with want
forochel: oh, well then.it would be hilarious
if his attempt at really greasy tone
was actually less sleazy
than his attempt at 'smooth'
meiface: hahahahaforochel: THIS IS HOW HIS LIFE WOULD WORK.anyway!!
tazer blinks rapidly, and kaner thinks, hah, gotcha. but then tazer smiles, stupid and soft, says "sure" and backs off a bit. the hand braced over kaner's head slides down over his shoulder and down to grip his forearm, and it feels too intimate. then kaner's stumbling a bit as tazer pulls him up, and -- whoa, how far is this going?
meiface: well tazer is known for his competitivenessso kaner figures it would make some sort of crazy sense that tazer would take gay chicken so seriously
forochel: it's probably a good thing the guys are so used to seeing tazer manhandle kaner around, because they just raise their glasses in farewell to them when the two of them go past.the air outside the bar's like a slap in the face and it definitely sobers kaner up a bit so he's like, maybe it's time to stop before this gets too far. but then tazer's hailing a cab and the ride back to tazer's is quiet -- tazer isn't saying anything, he's just got kaner's hand captured in his and he's playing with kaner's fingers
and kaner doesn't dare say anything.
meiface: they get a taxi, right, and kaner's wondering if he needs to up the ante in the back of the cabhow are they keeping score here anyway?
forochel: I have no ideameiface: it's okay, kaner doesn't eitherforochel: kaner has no idea who's keeping score or how it's being kept heremeiface: so he BITES TAZER'S NECKforochel: OH MY GODmeiface: please, he's not sober, it's like THE BEST IDEAforochel: and tazer makes this really weird noisemeiface: tazer jumps and kaner smirks to himself because that's like, fifty points to him right thereforochel: okay, tazer jumps and makes this really weird noiseand he turns his head and he's right there and looking at kaner, pupils blown and that is really unfair, because kaner gets so dizzy he's pretty sure that's at least twenty points to tazer and tazer hadn't even really done anything.
(why are they so gay for each other)
meiface: also, kaner's getting kind of hard and he's not sure if that's normal in gay chicken or not.forochel: LOLOLOLkaner's life is so hard.
he doesn't even dare look at tazer's lap, because that would just make it even gayer. and not the gay chicken kind of gay.
forochel: anyway, they finally get into tazer's flat, after kaner's had to basically feel tazer up to get at his keys, because tazer is fucking useless.tazer's got their fingers loosely locked together, and that's -- really nice, but also taking a few steps back, so minus a couple of points there. he's also tugging them towards his bedroom, and kaner's mind is just not going there, okay? tazer's his best friend who's really drunk and playing a ... really drunken game of gay chicken.
meiface: so kaner is sort of dragging his feet and then tazer looks back at him over his shoulder, a heavy-lidded gaze, and goes, all husky and insistent, "babe."forochel: kaner sighs, put upon, and goes along, because tazer might get violent at any point in time and, like, go caveman on him. kaner's dick twitches. he tells it to shut up.forochel:"uh," he says, when tazer collapses onto his bed and gives his hand a tug, eyes wide and dark.
"hey, buddy," he cautiously sits next to tazer. "you should probably get some sleep."
"sleep," tazer agrees, his eyes crinkling as he nods and smiles, and kaner's about to, like, breathe a really huge sigh of relief and then get the fuck out when tazer sways forward and presses his lips against his.
it's just a gentle, dry kiss, and it lasts forever and a second, before tazer blinks, his lashes fluttering against kaner's cheeks.
forochel:he leans back, by like half an inch, and murmurs, "I'm really glad I did that," before closing his eyes and kind of listing to the side,
and, seriously, what the fuck is kaner supposed to do with that?
so kaner, who is still kind of drunk, and also half-hard, and 100% confused, just pushes tazer fully onto his side and tugs his shoes off. he can't help it -- he rests his hand on tazer's head before standing up and getting out of there.
/THE END OF THIS PART
We all dream of the day where we can write actual fic instead of just spinning gleeful scenarios in comments and chat.
BUT YAY UNC WIN, YAY DUKE LOSS, YAY HAWKS WIN. It's been a good sports day. ♥
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also lol lol lol I love how everyone loves drawing the UST out.
RIGHT, I'M OFF TO BED NOW.
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GOOD LUCK WRITING. ♥ I have to watch 3 sports games today so I'm pretty much useless, haha.
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oh, well then.
it would be hilarious
if his attempt at really greasy tone
was actually less sleazy
than his attempt at 'smooth'
lol truer words about Patrick Kane have never been spoken.
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Patrick Kane's is a life of irony. And it is SO GREAT.
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<3333333
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I want to lick your icon aslkdfj.
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BRIAN CAMPBELL YOUR LOOK OF DISTASTE IS MY FAVORITE ♥
I THINK THAT CURED MY HANGOVER
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I WASN'T EVEN A FAN BEFORE SOUPY LEFT BUT NOW I AM SAD HE IS GONE.
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Seriously, Tazer's taste in men is worse than Kaner's taste in shirts. DDDD:
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meiface: also, kaner's getting kind of hard and he's not sure if that's normal in gay chicken or not.
forochel: LOLOLOL
kaner's life is so hard.
he doesn't even dare look at tazer's lap, because that would just make it even gayer. and not the gay chicken kind of gay.
KANER WHY ARE YOU MADE OF SO MUCH FAIL
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And Tazer reconsiders everything he holds dear in life. What on earth is wrong with him?
No but seriously, watching all the Inside Hockey clips about Kaner and his family, it's so easy to tell how much they love each other and I'm like, under all that terrible hair and sleazy douchebaggery, he really is a good kid. ;__;
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It also features more Kaner being awesome with kids moments. God, I hate how he makes my ovaries feel sometimes. Ugh.
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I'm trying to convince
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Confused but going along with it Kaner is the greatest, oh my god. He would totally be incepted into the most ridiculous situations because of trying to play it cool. And Tazer as a touchy, happy drunk kind of breaks my heart, because that's probably the most he's smiled ALL YEAR. AND HE WON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT IN THE MORNING D; Mann, this is making me want to write all the angsty drunk!Tazer fic.
That said, this is AMAZING and there needs to be more. So much more.
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Oh my god, I don't want to say I have a ~thing~ for characters calling each other babe, BUT I DO I HAVE A THING FOR IT OKAY, IT'S A TERRIBLE THING.
And it would be SO MUCH GREATER/MORE CRUSHING coming from Tazer, knowing that he probably represses the shit out of every awful, uncaptainly urge he gets around Kaner, just flat out refuses to act on any of the weird pent up longing he has to pull Kaner close or shove him up against a wall or run a finger over his stupid stupid mouth.
And poor Kaner would be so confused at first when suddenly faced with like, a lapful of happy, affectionate starry-eyed Tazer, but then he'd move on pretty quickly to being kind of hurt and pissed off that it takes Tazer getting shitfaced drunk, takes him being practically being unable stand on his own two feet actually for him to finally touch Kaner, because Kaner's noticed alright, it's kind of hard not to when your Captain goes out of his way not to make any sort of contact with you outside of the occasional post-goal brohug.
So yeah, Kaner's a little pissed at Tazer, but not nearly so much as he's pissed at himself for being so pathetic about it, his whole body lighting up with every touch like he's been starving for it, and didn't even know until Tazer got smashed that first time and kickstarted this brand new trend of invading Patrick's personal space and calling him babe, all husky soft and not even a little bit ironic sounding, jesus christ.
Oh god, I do not even know how this got so long. Turns out freakish repressed pining captains getting all uninhibited and handsy and confusing the fuck out of their oblivious partners gives me ALL THE FEELINGS /o\
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[info]nicolasechs: (UGH SO TORN, DOES TAZER GO FOR IT OR DOES HE REPRESS, REPRESS, REPRESS SOME MORE?)
[info]meiface: (REPRESS! HE HASN'T ACCEPTED HIS FEELINGS YET. PLUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS UST)
[info]nicolasechs: (OKAY THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SADISTIC. I'M GLAD YOU'RE WITH ME)
AHHHH PERFECTION. I see in your comments that you are going to make this Real Boy Fic soooooo I won't even harass you about it. A++ POST THE END.
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I'm making an attempt here. Let's get drunk and handsy, Tazer!