Assorted Hockey Superlatives, ed. 1

[meitachi]

A collection of random hockey superlatives, as compiled by Mei while bored.

The best hockey factory family in the world: The Staals

So the Canes had an alumni fantasy game over the weekend and among the players was Henry Staal, father of the Staal clones but most importantly of Estaal, Canes captain. Being a Staal and fulfilling his social contract to the hockey gods duty, he scored a goal, and duly celebrated a la Eric:


(source)

UGH THIS FAMILY.


The "Hyperbole & A Half" award for best explanation for the Pens-Flyers fight on Sunday (and hopefully for coming fights this Saturday): Flight envy


(source)

The Canadian lumberjack award for most likely to wear plaid: Jonathan Toews

I mean, I love plaid, don't get me wrong (Donghae ruined me) but what is this? Tazer, you're wearing a plaid tie on top of a plaid shirt.


(source)

#excellentlifedecisions (?)


The "HEY STAAL" award for best face for a mood theme set: Jeff Skinner

No, seriously, I want this. (SOMEONE MAKE ME ONE.) I mean, sure, the only moods in the theme would be giggly, sulky, or, best of all:



But I feel like that last one covers a whole range of appropriate scenarios.

Canes knocked out of playoffs: FUCK YOU I'M A BIRD
Hawks make the playoffs: HELL YEAH I'M A BIRD
Fic posted with TA Eric and freshman Jeff: IF YOU'RE A BIRD, I'M A BIRD \o/

World: What does that even mean?
Mei: WHY DOES IT MATTER, I'M A BIRD. \o/


The Facebook status most likely to be posted by a Chicagoan (or Bostonian. Or...any Canadian): Hockey players in my clubs?! Alert the goddamn media.


(source)

I don't wanna hear about it unless it's a platypus on skates. Now there's something that could pick up in clubs! (Next thing you know, Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand have dragged a platypus onto a bartop with them. Just wait for those headlines.)


The "when I was your age, Pluto was a planet" award for worst question to ask an alumni: Jeff Skinner was born in 1992. What were you doing in 1992?

(source)

Ouch.

For the record, in 1992, I was making paper crowns and flouncing about in a tiered pink dress with lace-edging being the princess of my daycare. I have pictures, too, but you don't get to see them. It was glorious, though, trust me. I was so cute as a kid. What happened?! Jeff Skinner got to stay cute when he grew up...


The NHL player most likely to be an STD: Patrick Kane

Wait, wait! It's not for the obvious reasons you're thinking (i.e., how he sexes people up in bathroom stalls). Let me explain.

So Kaner has this habit, right? This kind of obscene habit, actually, with his mouthguard.

Exhibit A:



Exhibits B through infinity:







But the thing is, it's spreading...

Exhibit C:


Jonathan Toews

Exhibit D:


Andrew Ladd

Exhibit E:


Daniel Carcillo (& Patrick Kane)

Exhibit F:


Kris Versteeg

And so on and so forth. Have you noticed a pattern? Gee, they all seem to be Hawks or former Hawks...

From this I have concluded that Kaner is an STD spreading his terrible Obscene Mouth Habit through the league.

meiface: there should be fic about how the Kaner Habit spreads through the nhl
swingingstars: through sex with kaner?
and then tazer is all DDDDDDD:
meiface: yes
like an STD
but tazer doesn't realize it passes through sex at first
and he's just like GOD YOU'RE SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE
and then he finds out how it works
and he's like fffffffffffffffffuuuuu
and is jealous
/great plot
swingingstars: best ever
then he feels left out
and pouts
and tries to catch it by getting it on with every guy who does it except kaner
except he has no game
meiface: lol
IT ONLY COMES FROM THE SOURCE
swingingstars: LOL. IF ONLY THAT'S HOW THE REAL THING WORKED.


And to wrap things up, because I'm biased...

The "UNC Tar Heels" award for team most likely to get Mei's hopes up at the start of the season, stress her out beyond all measure, get her cheering and cursing at her TV, and potentially make her year or crush all her dreams: Carolina Hurricanes

"I said to Staal, 'We're in this together,'" Muller explained. "'You're my leader. You're my guy. We've got to work together. I respect you a lot for what you've done. I've been there and I know what you're going through. Why don't we work together here? At the end of the day, if you're my best player, we're in pretty good shape.'"

♥&Estaal;♥


I'm getting into the other teams, I promise! Slowly. In between looping "Club Can't Handle Kaner" a lot. Don't judge me!

Comments

[forochel.livejournal.com]

*laughing so hard*



that 1992 vid! oh god.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Best Hockey Family, part deux:

[forochel.livejournal.com]

hahahahahah oh the staals

[impertinence.livejournal.com]

HURRICAAAAAAAAANES.

my love of Eric Staal is unhealthy.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

NO, YOU ARE WRONG.

ALL THE LOVE FOR ERIC STAAL IS HEALTHY AND CORRECT.

[suxing.livejournal.com]

LOOOOOL, IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD \o/

no but seriously, this entire pooooooost, it all makes me so very giggly and happy \:D/

also in 1992, I was making paper crowns and flouncing about in a tiered pink dress with lace-edging being the princess of my daycare

pics! pics! pics or it didn't happen! and for the record, i think i was in shanghai, conducting races w/ my cousins to see who could climb in and out from under a bed the fastest... i think there is video footage.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

WE CAN BE BIRDS TOGETHER (WITH JEFF SKINNER) \o/

haha the pics are hard copy and at home in an album somewhere...along with the pics of me and Lille together at birthday parties. Oh lord. Maybe someday in the future. :D

Baaaaaabies.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

I was one.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

A bird? Or a small child?!

[forochel.livejournal.com]

I MEANT I WAS A YEAR OLD





but also a bird.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

We can all be birds. \o/

[forochel.livejournal.com]

...oh, stevie g.


they lost to newcastle last sunday, watched it during my volunteering >_______>; well, my colleague was watching and gloating, I was occasionally dropping by to catch some action.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Sigh, Liverpool.

Generally sums it up.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

... *pats*



also in the cafe today they were showing a real madrid game and then I lol'd at cronaldo's troller face.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahahaha SPEAKING OF CRON

AND HIS TROLLING

AND HIS THIGHS OF THUNDER

AND KAKA LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT HIM:

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/soccer-dirty-tackle/cristiano-ronaldo-scores-rocket-distance-then-shows-off-194915534.html

[forochel.livejournal.com]

OF COURSE


BUT OF COURSE



WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED



TROLOLOLOLOL I wonder how his baby is coming along.

[altri-uccelli.livejournal.com]

Kaner/mouthguard OTP makes me so happy. I want Exhibit ZZZ.

Awesome post. :D

[meiface.livejournal.com]

haha I could have easily made the post twice as long just by adding more exhibits of Kaner and his mouthguard. It's a passionate and committed relationship they have.

Thanks!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

haha you know the truth of the statement can always be found through careful editing! That's really the secret of how he's spreading the mouthguard habit through the league!

I was Googling "NHL mouthguards" and seriously, so many pics of Kaner showed up. I bet the top dogs get together and hold meetings where they shake their head and mourn about the spreading decline of safety standards, root cause: Patrick Kane.

[nyw.livejournal.com]

i love this whole postttt so much. also kaner as an std. of course.

i went to the basketball museum today, SO MANY FEELS. the 'UNC Tar Heels' award is very aptly titled

[meiface.livejournal.com]

You are slowly getting sucked in, sucked in! Seriously though, it's a fun sport to watch. Regular season ends Sat but playoff rounds start next week!

[nyw.livejournal.com]

Slowly but surelyyyy

We talked about hockey a few days ago in class. About how violence is a lot more acceptable in hockey than in basketball, and why...

[forochel.livejournal.com]

oooh, why! do tell! is it because of the padding? the ~culture of machismo~? the lack of hooligan fans? (xf football here) I AM JUST INTERESTED IN ALL THE COMPARATIVE SPORTS RIGHT NOW.


like! why are hockey games shorter than football games! or rugby! why is playing time per player shorter? I want, like, actual statistics of energy spent and heart rates and, idk, perspiration rates and shit. it would be so interesting! maybe I should JSTOR this....

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I miss having conversations in person! Possibly I'm just really too lazy to type it all out, haha, but discussing sports and meta and society is actually a lot of fun.

Also, you have great classes & great convos in them! ♥

[2naonh3-cl2.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the Flyer/Pens pic...I look forward to my boys fighting on Saturday. :3 Pens are going down...also, there's a possibility I might get to go to a playoff game, if so...AMAZING! I get to see my boys beat the hell out of the Pens. :DDDD

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Dang, playoff games are freaking expensive. If you can, awesome! Would you be going to Phily then?

Also, definitely looking forward to the game on Saturday! Too bad Briere's out. D:

[honeyrue.livejournal.com]

JEFFF SKINNERRRRR. BB FOR YOU, I'D BE A FUCKING PLATYPUS ♥♥

Oh my god, plaid on plaid, burn it with fire

And Kaner as STD is the GREATEST THEORY! esp. the parts where Tazer tries to sleep with everyone in retaliation because lololol NOPE. SORRY BABE, YOUR STRENGTHS LIE IN OTHER PLACES.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

BB CAN COME PICK ME UP I NA CLUB ANYTIME

asldkfjd I know right, I love plaid, but plaid on plaid?? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, TAZER? WHAT WAS THE STYLIST THINKING? His strengths do not lie in sleeping around or dressing himself, apparently. Really, it's all just hockey. ♥

[honeyrue.livejournal.com]

HNGGGGGG, SKINERRRRR

Lololol 'AT LEAST I'M GOOD AT HOCKEY :<' is totally Tazer's fallback for everything. Tell yourself what you want, babe, we've seen your commercials.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahaha oh my god, it's true, Tazer really Cannot Act. Don't quit your day job, hon. ♥

[meiface.livejournal.com]

All these hockey boys and their oral fixations, man:



It's all just begging for filthy, filthy fic. They are ALL STDS.

[aworldinside.livejournal.com]

Oh Staals. I saw that Henry Staal gif for the first time today and how so awesome, Staal family?

I literally squeaked when I read that quote about Eric. <3! Very cool article in general, and left me with hopeful feelings for next season.

Club Can't Handle Me has been in my head on and off for days, and I'm not even that big a Kaner fan. Such a good vid.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Right?! Ugh this family is seriously so adorable. If you haven't seen the interviews the brothers do together, it's hilarious, and once Marc is made to call his mom live and she thinks he's Jordan, hahaha. CLONES.

That article made me so happy in my heart. Canes! I know there's a lot of work still to be done but I am hopeful for next season. At any rate, there's at least eight months before I start getting cynical and fatalistic again.

I LOVE Kaner and his ridiculousness. I realized I don't talk about him and the Hawks nearly as much as the Canes though, because all my friends have got that covered. All the time. Relentlessly. :D

[celerywench.livejournal.com]

LOL EXHIBIT JORDAN STAAL

I DEMAND WE FIND EXHIBIT ERIC STAAL. IT EXISTS. IT EXIIIIISTS. (otherwise the fic will have to include eric being sad that he wasn't included in this STD passing and never knowing that Jeff made is pouty fight fiesty face at Kaner and Kaner was like ugh okay dude whatever I won't sex up your bf).

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahahaha oh, AWKWARD, once everyone figures out just how this STD gets passed - directly through the source, man.

Poor Estaal. It is probably better for him in the long run though. It's not like this is even a useful habit/skill Kaner's passing around...

[celerywench.livejournal.com]

Well every good boy does know that the only way to the heart is by pulling some pigtails - and Jordy pulls with the best of them


lol. NEVER GETS OLD!!!

[darkunicorna.livejournal.com]

haha this is great.

also, I actually went to the Canes game today!! It was like a flashback to that one Knicks game I went to, lol, but omg so much better than watching livestreams, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL except for the part where we lost, whoops.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Oh the poor, poor Canes. I love them but, ugh, season is officially over. We can be hopeful for the next season! ♥

(Also I'm kind of excited for Brian Campbell and the Panthers for their first division title though. Aww!)

I AM GLAD YOU GOT TO GO TO A GAME THOUGH. :D Was it fun? :D

[darkunicorna.livejournal.com]

I knoww. Next year, hopefully!

Also,



I think it's pretty safe to say that people down here a super excited about it, too. First time to playoffs in 12 years and all that really makes for excited fans (:

AND YES IT WASSSS and it was so much better than watching hockey on TV/livestreams, and even though my seats were near the back THE VIEW WAS STILL SO GOOD, and I can't help but think that it would have been 10 times more fun if it'd been a home game for the Canes because I JUST FELT SO BAD LOOKING AT BRANDON SUTTER GETTING SO CLOSE BUT YET SO FAR FROM SCORING SO MANY TIMES, but if it'd been 10 times more fun then it'd have been off the charts and this is getting rambly but YES. Definitely not going to be the last one I go to!

[meiface.livejournal.com]

AWWW. I feel slightly less bad because yay Soupy! And Miami being excited! :D

BUT CANES FOREVER AND FOREVER. IT'S OKAY, WE CAN HAVE HOPE FOR NEXT SEASON. I am glad you are rooting for the appropriate team lololol. Ugh I really want to go to a home game in Raleigh too. *__* I will make that happen next season. It will lots of fun.

Did you yell a lot? :D Live sports games are so fun.

[darkunicorna.livejournal.com]

Aww but apparently everyone thinks the Panthers aren't going to make it past the first round... Which they probably aren't, but so sad that no one believes in them!

Haha yesss, partially your fault, btw. Aaah definitely go to a home game! Do it do it do it!

Lol noooo. I wanted to, but I was with my dad and surrounded by Panther fans, so it was kind of intimidating. Next time I'll try to gather up my friends so I'll be less alone (:

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I am only delighted to infect other people with my Canes love. :D

I think I will definitely try for a Canes home game next season! And, you know, visit the fam. Sure, that too.

Ahaha to be honest I'm not sure the Hawks are goign to make it past the first round either, but I'm hoping anyway. Sports is all about hope! ...and then getting your hopes miserably crushed or something.

[darkunicorna.livejournal.com]

Haha just think of the Oilers in 2006 and how they only just barely made the playoffs and no one thought they'd make it BUT THEY DID until the Canes beat them in Finals. BUT HEY IT WAS IN GAME SEVEN, SO WE PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT.

Yeahh love the Canes and all but Oilers forever man.

BY THE WAY, I was looking at jpopasia's top charts, and there's this Korean indie group called Busker Busker that's getting really popular... Do you know anything about them?

[meiface.livejournal.com]

lol I barely know about mainstream kpop groups now, I really don't know anything about the indie groups. /o\

Fine, fine, the Oilers can be the first team of your heart, lmao. BUT CANES NEXT. /inflicts bias everywhere

[darkunicorna.livejournal.com]

Of course ♥