these are teachable moments, they say, but how good a teacher am I?

[meitachi]

Just sent my brother a really awkward but necessary email about the Steubenville case & rape culture & sex in general. Reading about the details of the case and ensuing trial and commentary in the media just makes me really, really angry, and really, really sad. There is so much about the culture, about society's perceptions and words and actions, that need to be addressed.

I hope I can do a little with the people in my life, even if it's just with my brother. Better I send an awkward email than to never say anything at all - and certainly our parents won't be in my place. Better to make sure and reinforce the important points, even though I'm fairly sure they're not issues I have to worry about with him. Still: awkward as it might be, I also want to open that dialogue and let him know he can talk to me about topics that might be uncomfortable due to being siblings, being 9 years apart, being Asian, being of opposite gender, whatever. I'd rather he tell me things so I can help him be safer & smarter about his life choices, rather than hide things and have to learn completely on his own. I'd like to think I did okay on my own, but hey, if he has an older sibling, I might as well be useful, right?

Surprisingly, reddit's reactions about Steubenville have been heartening. Despite the good things, part of me is still pessimistic/upset because while this case garnered national media/social media attention and outrage, it's also the perfect storm of ridiculous aggravating factors and all the evidence on the victim's side. It just serves to remind me all the other thousands, tens of thousands, of cases that occur and don't get reported, much less prosecuted, or don't even get shared with friends, or don't receive support or don't get believed or --

But if I continue down that train of thought, I'll just get weighed down with how much I hate the world. I just - hope that no matter how upset I get about these things, I can manage to do, even in small part, something to help change things for the better, whether it's talking to someone about the topic, changing someone's mind, providing a perspective/voice/opinion, writing about it, donating, volunteering, etc.

Sometimes I read all the terrible things in the news of terrible things happening in the world - or I read comments, augh - and I feel helplessly trapped in my rage or dismay or whatever emotions I'm currently drowning in. Sometimes I don't know how to convert that into something productive, into action that would make a difference and also make me feel better, useful.

So. I'm trying to at least speak up in occasions where before I might just swallow my words and walk away. That doesn't mean I'm going to get into a fight with everyone on the internet, or even FB friends. But I know there will be times where I feel like it is worth the time and effort and the subsequent consequences, and I will.

I understand certain things now with a clarity that I didn't at 16; I have no idea how 16-year-old me would've taken advice from someone 9 years older, because that wasn't an opportunity I had. But I hope my brother will get something out of it.

Comments

[thinking-lotus.livejournal.com]

I hope you and your brother will be able to have a heartfelt discussion.

My son is 15 and I haven't brought it up with him, but maybe I should. But maybe it's too much to have your mom say something about this topic ...

[yueshi.livejournal.com]

I don't know you, so I hope it's ok to jump in here, but I would talk with your son. at least so he knows that if he wants to talk about it he could come to you. this is a topic that needs to be addressed, especially when talking to boys.
I think for too long it always have been the girls who were told how to behave, what to do, which makes it so much easier to but all the blame on them when they get raped, because they were suppose to prevent it... somehow, even though they couldn't. so getting boys more involved with it and telling them how to behave might not only help to prevent these kind of things from happening, but might also help making sure the right people will be blamed in the future.

I hope this made sense. it's a serious topic and I always fear, since English isn't my mother tongue, things might be miss understood.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I feel like it's tougher as a parent to broach some of these topics because kids have that whole attitude towards parental lecturing. I feel like it is worth bringing up even if you don't end up having a half hour heart-to-heart, for example, but if you do have this convo, I would say bring it up as more of a "Hey, did you hear about this story in the news?" And try not to come off hardline condemning (even though I feel very strongly like condemning) mostly because I think teenagers at that age have an instinctive need to play devil's advocate/oppose parental viewpoints if their parents come off too strongly on any subject. Maybe ask him questions to see what he thinks about what the rapists did, doesn't he think it's crazy these people would act this way, and sort of frame your commentary in response to his opinions.

I don't know, this is from a perspective of a kid who fought with her parents on things, obviously, and not as a parent. It's hard, but I think it's important to bring up. Let him know you think he's better than those guys, that he would never, but also that peer pressure/societal presentation can be a damaging thing... God, it's so much easier said than done, isn't it? But I agree with the above commenter too, that so much of society's lecturing is towards girls and how they should behave to avoid rape, rather than to tell boys not to rape, that they too know better and should behave better.

It's definitely a difficult conversation to have, I feel you, but an important one.

[yueshi.livejournal.com]

I wasn't really aware of all this, read a little bit about it. just stumbled upon a tumblr account posting all the twitter posts which claims that it was all the girl's fault for being drunk. this is shit, seriously.

I'm glad you wrote your brother. I think it's good that he at least knows that he can talk to you.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's one of the rare rape cases that's gotten an immense amount of media attention here in the U.S., probably due to the aggravating factors of the rapists taking a video and uploading it online and talking all about it on Twitter & Youtube or whatever. It's unbelievable, almost.

And yeah, the idea that there can still be people defending what they did, or saying the victim deserved it, is absolutely horrifying.

I don't know how deeply my brother will feel this stuff, or get it necessarily, at this age, but I definitely hope it helps just to be told, point blank, what stuff isn't okay. And to explain (or so I tried) that not all rape is as black and white as this, raping an unconscious body, filming it, etc., but that it's never okay in those situations either.

[yueshi.livejournal.com]

I really like all the "poor rapists now don't have a bright future thanks to slutty underaged drunken girl" comments.
like seriously.. they could just not have raped her. then they still would have their brigh future ahead of them. they actually had a pretty good choice. the girl on the other hand.... she will have to live with it and she never really had a choice.
and all the rape defender make the whoel thing just way more horrible.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and the fact that the media even reported on that angle shows the kind of abhorrent attitude people/society have towards victim-blaming in these cases. "Those poor rapists!" indeed.

Gawker had a pretty snarky rebuttal (http://gawker.com/5991003/cnn-reports-on-the-promising-future-of-the-steubenville-rapists-who-are-very-good-students).

[yueshi.livejournal.com]

just read a German facebook comment from a woman saying that nowadays no one needs to be raped anymore, because we all can learn selfdefense and that it was the victims fault if she gets raped, because she didn't learn to defend herself probably. oO
these people make me really angry. the whole topic was about abortions after rape, and I can understand that some people are against abortions, but blaming the victim for getting raped... this makes me really angry.

[meritjubet.livejournal.com]

My sister and I are much closer in age, so it was a little easier for me to influence her to start reading about social justice etc. It is an issue we can discuss together. I also convinced someone that depression is real (it was super aggravating but yay! accomplishing something). This year there have been some really silly statements on facebook that I critiqued. Some people take it better than others. It can be hard when you bring it up among friends and family, but I guess being the strident one isn't too bad of a reputation. Though I don't always do it.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Yeah, even while I was writing the email to my brother, I was worried I would come off too lecture-y and god knows how much teenagers rebel instinctively against lectures, and in particular I know he's more than tired of them from our parents. So it's also a matter of framing it in a way that I'm on his side but still have knowledge and advice that is hopefully useful and that he will hopefully take into consideration...

Augh, how does one Be An Older Sibling correctly?

It is awesome that you have influenced your sister & helped change some minds though! Small but crucial steps.

[chaos-harmony.livejournal.com]

♥

I think you're a pretty cool older sib. And if your baby brother's half as cool, I think he'll get it, at least a bit.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I try, in any case!

lol my brother - he has grown up influenced by me all his life, from accidentally shipping SasuNaru without realizing it to following me into kpop (and now actively shipping Tiffany/Jessica). He is old enough for prom now! It's terrifying.