this post is NSFW or for your brain, probably

[meitachi]

Mei: HAHAHA
omg
crying
i am reading badfic porn in chinese
AND THE SLANG FOR KYU'S DICK IS 玉柱
sob
Liz: LMAO
Mei: "jade/beauty pillar"
REALLY???
Liz: TY FOR THAT ENLIGHTENING PIECE OF INFORMATION
Mei: HAPPY TO HELP

So while procrastinating this morning, I stopped by Qmi's baidu bar. And found badfic Qmi porn. In Chinese. And then I proceeded to be torn between TOTAL HORROR and LAUGHING SO HARD I AM UNFIT TO BE INN PUBLIC. See for yourself, guys.


某夜，周考拉搂着满身红印的圭贤亲了又亲，“坏哥哥～”圭贤趴在周觅的怀中摸着他结实的胸肌，“每次都这么用力，小贤怎么去上班啊，腰好酸～’
“谁让你乱动的？我不用力你就不老实！“周觅在圭贤的pp上捏了捏。”

one night, zhou koala wrapped his arms around a kyuhyun who was red all over and kissed him over and over. "bad gege~" kyuhyun sat in zhou mi's lap, lying on his strong chest, "you use so much force every time, how can i go to work? my back hurts~"

"who told you to move around? if i don't use a little force, you don't behave!" zhou mi squeezed kyuhyun's pp.

(11:13:08 AM) tor!: SCREAM
(11:13:11 AM) tor!: HIS PP
(11:13:18 AM) tor!: ZM'S ~STRONG CHEST
(11:13:23 AM) tor!: i like how zm is the seme in china

“恩～哥哥！”圭贤突然把脸埋在周觅怀里，脸红得不行。
“小东西怎么了？”
“人家不舒服…痒～”

"um~ gege!" kyuhyun suddenly buried his face in zhou mi's lap, face red.

"what's wrong baby?" (小东西 = affectionate nickname like "baby")

"i'm uncomfortable...it itches~"

starflower135: I've never heard of it being referred as an itch, but now you mention it....it does seem like that XDDDDD

“痒？这里么？”周觅摸上圭贤的玉柱。
“是…是里面啦～”，圭贤扭了扭腰，小花里面痒的难受。周觅抱住圭贤的细腰，“你不是痒么？我让你更痒！”

"itches? where?" zhou mi felt up kyuhyun's jade pillar (aka dick).

"it's...it's inside~" kyuhyun twisted a little, where inside his flower (aka asshole) it itched so much he couldn't stand it. zhou mi hugged him around the waist. "you're itchy? i'll make you itch even more!"

(porn, zhou mi going "you should let out all your dirty thoughts")

“唔～呀！”不要，才不要！周觅继续着动作。
“5555555”哥哥，人家快撑不住了！

"ahhh!" no, no! zhou mi stopped short (in the middle of fucking kyuhyun).

"fivefivefivefive wuwuwuwu (crying)" gege, i can't stand it!

(porn, zhou mi going "you can be loud" essentially)

“啊～好爽！哥哥，你好坏～你好棒～唔！！唔啊啊啊啊啊！”圭贤终于不顾羞耻的把话都说了出来。

"ahh~ so good! gege, you're so bad~ you're so amazing~ OH!! OHAHHHHH!" kyuhyun finally let the words pour out of shamelessly.

(11:12:11 AM) Elizabeth: T_________T
(11:12:26 AM) Elizabeth: THANK YOU FOR THE SUPER HELPFUL TRANSLATION MEI
(11:12:36 AM) meiface: NO PROBLEM ANYTIME
(11:12:38 AM) Elizabeth: FOR FURTHER SCARRING PURPOSES
(11:12:55 AM) meiface: i live to share

(porn is over, kyu is redfaced)

“我坏么？不过是帮你止痒还有让你把话说出来啊～”
“不跟你好了!”
“哈哈，想反攻？”
“你啊，还是老老实实的当我的老婆吧～”小东西，看你还有没有力气反攻。

"am i bad? but wasn't i helping you scratch an itch and also helping you speak out~"

"i hate you!" (lit: "i'm not going to be close w/ you anymore")

"haha, you want to counterattack?" (turnabout~)

"you, ah, why don't you just be nice and good and be my wife~" baby, we'll see if you still have the energy to counterattack.


ALSO:

(11:19:53 AM) 瀟灑小姐: SCREAMING
(11:19:56 AM) 瀟灑小姐: SCREAMING OH MY GOD
(11:20:03 AM) 瀟灑小姐: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL "ASSHOLE" IN THIS BADFIC?
(11:21:09 AM) 瀟灑小姐: 菊花口
(11:22:02 AM) 瀟灑小姐: ju hua kou
(11:22:08 AM) 瀟灑小姐: CHRYSANTHEMUM FLOWER OPENING
(11:22:15 AM) tor!: SCREAMS
(11:22:16 AM) tor!: SCREAMS
(11:22:23 AM) tor!: CHRYSANTHEMUM...................................................................
(11:22:26 AM) tor!: CHINA..........................................................
(11:22:32 AM) tor!: CAN YOU NOT............................................................................................................................

圭贤已经好几天没睡好了每天都是凌晨睡着不到六点就醒了为此周觅很是郁闷，谁让他家那口子一睡不着就愿意闹腾呢。作为圭贤的男人的周觅顺其自然的成为了哄圭贤睡觉的唯一及第一人选。其实他家小卷毛只不过是需要被好好的疼爱而已。
“唉，这几天工作太忙了，都没好好的抱你亲热亲热了！”周觅搂着躺在他怀里的圭贤。
“你还说呢… …其实哥哥你饿了吧？”
“是啊，我将近一周都没碰你了，当然会饿！而且我还饿大劲了呢～看样子我得多补补！”周觅摸了摸圭贤的菊花口。
“色狼！周色狼！”

kyuhyun hadn't been sleeping well for a week (blah blah blah). zhou mi, as kyuhyun's bf/man/knight in shining armor/blah blah, went to find out what was wrong. it turns out that his little kyuhyun just needed "a good hard loving." (sic)

"ah, we've been so busy lately, i haven't been able to hold you and ~be affectionate~!" zhou mi wrapped his arms around the kyuhyun in his lap.

"for real... ...you're hungry, gege, right?"

"yeah, it's been a week since i've even touched you, of course i'm hungry! not just hungry, but starving~ looks like i have to make up for that!" zhou mi stroked kyuhyun's chrysanthemum flower opening.

"pervert! pervert zhou mi!"

(11:22:43 AM) tor!: can you make an entry about this

I now return you to your regularly scheduled life, now enlightened with new trauma.

(11:04:25 AM) meiface: it's sort of comforting that every language fandom will have badfic...
(11:04:40 AM) Elizabeth: haha IDK IF COMFORTING IS THE RIGHT WORD, MEI

Comments

[peachpastiche.livejournal.com]

lmao perhaps i should see if i can dig up some terrible japanese fic

[meiface.livejournal.com]

THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES

except when it is "no noooooo oh stop oh nooo but yesss" /yaoi dialogue

[herocountry.livejournal.com]

FELT UP HIS JADE PILLAR

JADE PILLAR

JADE PILLAR




that makes it sound like this is some zhou mi the bingmayong guard secretly having sex with one of the statues

[herocountry.livejournal.com]

...fic


great unfinished sentence orz

[shoiryu.livejournal.com]

oh my godddddd

lol doesn't "jade" make sense for kyuhyun too because his hanja has "jade" in it? OR AM I MISREMEMBERING.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

YES. 圭(kyu) means jade tablet! but that is not the character they used... but I suppose if you are a jade tablet, it would only make sense that your...pillar...were made of jade too.

[mardigrasmaven.livejournal.com]

*dead* I will NEVER look at Chrysanthemum's the same way again. They will always be synonymous with Kyu's asshole from now on. Never will I stop laughing.

[mardigrasmaven.livejournal.com]

And JADE PILLAR Ffajkfahfaflja;fr;lfa' WUT?!

[evaporate.livejournal.com]

oh my god zhou mi is so not the top in c-fen. you must have found the 1 in 10 hahahaha. he is referred to affectionately as "the eternal bottom," both on the qmi bar and on the mi bar... which he reads......................

...also i read a lot of chinese qmi fic and i think i missed this one, THANK GOD

[meiface.livejournal.com]

SCREAMS PLEASE LINK ME TO SOMETHING THAT IS NOT QUITE SO LOLARIOUS. I am curious what decent fic looks like! Also "eternal bottom" Mi asldgkhfj oh god, I can't even deal with how he reads this stuff. I just. Dying laughing. I kind of want to meta fic about his reading experiences. ;_____; /bad person

[papered.livejournal.com]

I HAVE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS MY HORROR/HYSTERICAL AMUSEMENT, MEI

[meiface.livejournal.com]

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Just dropping in to say that I am totally guilty of reading Chinese porn :3

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I HOPE IT IS NOT ALL AS AWFUL AS THIS THOUGH.

[ky-rin.livejournal.com]

first gem, now you. sigh.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

BUT IT'S HILARIOUS, ANMI, WHY WON'T YOU JOIN US. :( I will find you some KyuMin in Chinese or something. Or HyukMin. I doubt MiMin exists but I'm kind of curious...

[meiface.livejournal.com]

LOL I TRANSLATED IT FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING

[out-of-words24.livejournal.com]

JADE PILLAR.

Holy shit. My Chinese is so bad that if you hadn't translated all this I might have been like, ??? WHY DOES HE HAVE A 玉柱????

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahahah they are cuddling AND OUT OF NOWHERE KYUHYUN PULLS OUT THE JADE PILLAR HE CARRIES WITH HIM EVERYWHERE

[am3thyst.livejournal.com]

Lol that was my reaction when I first read bad!Chinese!porn the first time, too. I remember reading a SasuNaru fic in Chinese and I'm like, "oh so THAT'S how you say it!!" Obviously, can't learn these terms from the parents. XDDD

Though there is a non-WTF explanation for the Chrysanthemum euphemism. In either the Ming or Qing dynasty, there was a rise of erotica, but because use of explicit terms were banned by the government, authors had to use code language to describe certain body parts. And we know Chinese ppl's tendency to prettify anything and everything...[/Chinese history geek rant]

Honestly, I actually like Chinese fics over English ones for certain fandoms because the language needs to be more lyrical (definitely NOT the above fic though) though I don't like their obsession with seme/uke designations.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I can't imagine - all the strange Naruto-verse terms you'd have to learn in Chinese! At least with kpop it is fairly "real world" straightforward. Except for all the lyrical metaphors lmao.

Though it's interesting & does make sense, what you said about the history!

...that it has led to lolarious porn will only be funny though. And yeah, noticing a bit of a fixation on stereotypical seme/uke characteristics. Ehh. I dream of the day I can write fic in Chinese haha.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahaha one day I aspire to write ~poetic smutfic in Chinese. One day I will reach that level of awesome. Just wait!

[jasminezilla.livejournal.com]

OMG OMG I JUST I JUST HAVE TO READ THIS LMAO SRSLY BEAUTY PILLAR? I THOUGHT THE CORNIEST THING EVER WAS HARD CUCUMBER I WAS SO WRONG SO SO WRONG.

KYUHYUN'S PP LOL AND WHOA ZHOU MI TOPS

AHAHAHAHAHA JADE PILLAR WHAAAAAAT 8DD AND FLOWER? 8DDD

OH MY GOD SRSLY THIS WHAAAAT AND FIVEFIVEFIVEFIVE 8DD

"ahh~ so good! gege, you're so bad~ you're so amazing~ OH!! OHAHHHHH!" kyuhyun finally let the words pour out of shamelessly.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND 8DD

"CHRYSANTHEMUM FLOWER OPENING"

...OH MY GOD. Chrysanthemums were my favorite before, but now... I think I'm going to stick with Jasmine or something idek

"kyuhyun's chrysanthemum flower opening"

*dies*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

ahahaha I am so amused you are amused. IT IS TRAUMATIZING BUT STILL SO FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME. Chrysanthemums are ruined now though, especially this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3Gb69rVZ9Y). /snickers.

[thelastroads.livejournal.com]

I DID REMEMBER READING A HANCHUL FIC THAT NEVER SEEMED TO END THOUGH.

... that was my last-ditch attempt to find goodfic of my otp.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

ahahaha I am trusting evaporate to link me to good Qmi! I've actually read some now that aren't as abysmally awful as what I translated above. Still so weird to read in a different language though!

HanChul lolol. Oh Heechul, going through Chinese fanart and tweeting it. Idek man.

[transitorial.livejournal.com]

[meiface.livejournal.com]

LMFAO

[hyperballad.livejournal.com]

This has infinitely improved my night.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I am so glad! ♥ Because everyone needs jade pillars inside chrysanthemum flowers to brighten their lives. Decoratively speaking of course.

[chrestomanci]

i feel like i've just read the plot of every yaoi, ever.

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahaha yes this, exactly. it's like revisiting those nostalgic days of our past~

[emeraldcrystal.livejournal.com]

WHY. Why did I actually read through the entirety of your translations? *gauges eyes out*

[meiface.livejournal.com]

BECAUSE IT IS HILARIOUS? :D Painfully so, yes. Though to be fair I have since read quite a few well-written fics in Chinese so. ♥!

[livewithenvy.livejournal.com]

As a Chinese-American, my Chinese is good, but not good enough to read bad Chinese porn. Is this a good or bad thing?

AND DFKAJDFKLJDS;FAJ;DKFJA;DSS THE SLANG.
菊花口 I practically died right here.

My mom thought I was choking, lol.

Thanks be to mei for the daily lol ;)

[meiface.livejournal.com]

hahaha I'm so glad you got enjoyment out of this. Fascinating but true: reading fic in Chinese greatly helps improve your Chinese! It's also way more interesting than reading newspaper articles or boring essays about economic development.

[forochel.livejournal.com]

I remember reading chinese je fic back in the day. that was ... enlightening, to say the least. XD

[meiface.livejournal.com]

I have yet to encounter (not badfic) porn in Chinese. I am curious what well-written porn looks like...

[meiface.livejournal.com]

haha I'm not sure whether to apologize for or celebrate this entry being linked around. For better or worse, we can share in the trauma!

There is evidently some historical truth and basis in the usage of "seed" in English language (as to the flowery euphemism used way back when). Also, I've been told, for the usage of "chrysanthemums" as euphemisms in ancient China. The more we know, huh.

[misslemonbar.livejournal.com]

Well this makes the prospect of signing up for the mandarin course at my school something different entirely.

i will not be able to keep a straight face oh my god

DO YOU THINK READING BADFIC WILL COUNT AS HOMEWORK


/cries at never being able to go into her own garden again

[meiface.livejournal.com]

haha if only Chinese courses at school were half this interesting. Alas, they were not. But once you pick up the skills, this is a good way to keep in practice! :D